incoming...

instead of just pacing around my room and talking to myself, i suppose i can talk to the blog, which means there still won't be anyone listening, but it'll be here for me to look at later so i can remember the conversation i had with myself.
i turned off the tv, because its rotting my brain and i no longer enjoy infomercials. i put on some iron and wine and made myself a cup of tea. a read a little of my book, and then started to have a discussion with myself about the fast approaching holiday season. i can think of only one thing i really want for Christmas, and its absolutely not material. I've decided i'm pretty well set for material things, besides the ever distant new computer with enough ram to play world of warcraft. i got my fridge, i have cable which lessens the need for dvds, though there are dvds that i want for nothing in an immediate sense. i got the remote for my ipod, so now that issue is solved. as far as celebrating the holidays, i feel it an empty exercise, in the last six years ((since my grandmother died)) i've had one really great christmas, because the Canzoneris have Christmas like a syndicated tv movie. I'm not saying the holidays were always a picnic when my grandmother was alive, but at least our family actually talked to eachother and some sense of tradition was upheld. at this point in my life the only holiday i feel like celebrating is festivus, which is a completely made up holiday from seinfeld ((for those of you who don't watch it and ultimately suck)). I can't think of a material holiday gift that would bring me anything but momentary happiness. Materially I am basically content, yes there are things i want that i can't afford, but non of them is necessary really. What I'm trying to say is that its an emotional contentness that i'm after, I want, no, I need to not be restless and listless and forever battling the skewed point between reality and non reality which i can't ever seem to get a handle on. I don't want to be togetheralone (which is what i call my current relationship status) i just want to be together, and not have to pretend that I'm okay with the way things are. I don't feel like shopping for anyone really, I know what i want to get for the girls, and thats about it. As far as what i want, unless you can get him to let me in enough to allow me to go out there, and physically transport me to bg, all i really want is quiet. I want to not feel crazy and pathetic.
And I suppose i wouldn't be completely objected the seinfeld complete series box set, and that box set of dvds the who just relaesed, because no matter how much everyone hates on them, or how much rap I've been randomly listening to, there will never be anything i love more than the who, musically at least. oh and rupert mitchell would like some magnets, because he only has one.

i hope maybe some of that will be coherent, but for stream of consciousness i'm not realy worried about it.