closer

well lets just say closer sat about as well with me this time as it did the first time i saw it. i do sort of like it though, in my own extensive masochism. my mom didn't like it at all, she didn't get it, or why i had a problem with it mentally. i don't know if she's really niave, or is just pretending to be so to placate me. we did talk a lot today, she and i. we went out with her friend carrie for lunch, and then we were barely home ten minutes when we got an impromtu invite to cheryl's step daughters graduation party, so we drove out there. interesting, most likely the understatement of the century when in comes to that group of people. it was on the way home from that horrid party thing that we talked. kind of felt better. kind of i don't know. then we watched Alfie, good movie, but still didn't completely sit right. why do i take everything so goddam personally? i can't help it. i miss writing. i wish i could write again. i hate the thoughts that are constantly turning in my head, the ones i can't escape from. i hate dreams that feel so real that you wake up, and have to figure out whether or not they really happened. i didn't want that dream to have been a dream. i would've stayed inside it forever, forever until the end of this life...if you could call this a life. in the other room something odd is on the nicktoons channel, invader zim i believe...a vasquez endeavor i'm not the biggest fan of. everything else he's done is genius...the cartoon, i dunno, just doesn't do it for me. i didn't feel like going in and changing it to two stupid dogs, not in the mood to laugh or something, that is the best show ever though. the things inside me are all that dull, depressed, empty pain. in my chest and in my wrists, maybe in my head as well. tomorrow i have joshua's birthday party and then ecw pay per view at the botz's, sounds divine doesn't it? something like that. in my head life is in slow motion, but its moving way too fast. tears are welling up again for no good reason, or maybe there is one, but i don't want to say it, because if i actually say it, i'll have to face it, and you know that i would much rather run, run as fast as i can lying all the way so i don't have to face anything i think or feel or do.

i used to write things down so i'd never forget anything...
now i long to erase it all and start over...