forcing flashbacks on myself
the first flashback i had in the last few days was totally random, scary, and painful. now i'm just forcing them to make myself cry.
on saturday stephen and i went to dorney, and we're walking down a hill towards the "music machine" or atleast i think that's what it's called, that thing that whips you around really fast and plays music. when i saw it i started to lose my breath, and i was there. i was at the allentown fair two years ago, with meg and john and morgan and andy and the baby (who's name i can't remember...maybe zachary?), andy didn't go on the ride, he sat on a bench with the baby, and morgan's balloon tied around his neck, he looked ridiculous. i was on the ride with meg, and john with morgan, i really love that ride, even though rides at the fair in general sort of freak me out, because they just put them together right there off of a truck temporarily and they're all rickety and stufff. the thing is it should be a happy memory, it was a great night, probably one of the best, but every memory with andy is tainted, every single one makes me shudder now.
now i'm on someones myspace reading really old blog entries, purposely forcing thoughts in my head, all these feelings of abandonment are connected, there's no one who hasn't left me, only those who haven't yet. besides luis, stephen, big scott, and my dad no one has talked to me in weeks, and i don't think theres anyone not on that list that actually reads this anyway. i've dropped off the face of the earth as far as everyone's concerned, and when everyone goes back to school in a month and i don't, it will be even worse. my stepmother sent and email to my father and i this morning saying that she enjoyed our dinner together last night, what a load of shit, she thinks that she can say the things she said, and then just pretend she never said them, i'm sorry, i don't forgive or forget that easily, there's no way. my stepmother left ten dollars on the table to buy ice cream, implying i'm sure that she ate an entire half gallon of it, if she doesn't care that she's diabetic, then fuck, i don't really either. i wish i could get out of here, but even the chance of me doing so is probably slim, i don't want to get my hopes up when inevitable disappointment awaits me.
on saturday stephen and i went to dorney, and we're walking down a hill towards the "music machine" or atleast i think that's what it's called, that thing that whips you around really fast and plays music. when i saw it i started to lose my breath, and i was there. i was at the allentown fair two years ago, with meg and john and morgan and andy and the baby (who's name i can't remember...maybe zachary?), andy didn't go on the ride, he sat on a bench with the baby, and morgan's balloon tied around his neck, he looked ridiculous. i was on the ride with meg, and john with morgan, i really love that ride, even though rides at the fair in general sort of freak me out, because they just put them together right there off of a truck temporarily and they're all rickety and stufff. the thing is it should be a happy memory, it was a great night, probably one of the best, but every memory with andy is tainted, every single one makes me shudder now.
now i'm on someones myspace reading really old blog entries, purposely forcing thoughts in my head, all these feelings of abandonment are connected, there's no one who hasn't left me, only those who haven't yet. besides luis, stephen, big scott, and my dad no one has talked to me in weeks, and i don't think theres anyone not on that list that actually reads this anyway. i've dropped off the face of the earth as far as everyone's concerned, and when everyone goes back to school in a month and i don't, it will be even worse. my stepmother sent and email to my father and i this morning saying that she enjoyed our dinner together last night, what a load of shit, she thinks that she can say the things she said, and then just pretend she never said them, i'm sorry, i don't forgive or forget that easily, there's no way. my stepmother left ten dollars on the table to buy ice cream, implying i'm sure that she ate an entire half gallon of it, if she doesn't care that she's diabetic, then fuck, i don't really either. i wish i could get out of here, but even the chance of me doing so is probably slim, i don't want to get my hopes up when inevitable disappointment awaits me.
posted by Amanda @ 12:22 PM
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