uneasy

last night was my dad's birthday, big get together for karoke at rookies. i had a good time for the most part, and i have picture that i'll post at some point of my dad and luis singing. but i'm sitting here on the edge, listening to old tim mcgraw, reading old posts, living in the past like i always am. i think my brain is probably rotting away, but i don't know if i care. i'm increasingly antisocial, and you almost stop caring, when one of the people you've been friends with basically your entire life only IMs with requests that basically break your heart in two, because you've let just another friendship go to a place that you'll never get it back from. its my fault anyway, never should've let it turn out that way, but i have a great way of creating disaster. i'm thinking of seriously deleting everyone on my buddy list that i don't talk to, especially the people i leave messages for who never answer them. just more friendships i've ruined, connections i've torn, bridges in ashes and ashes blown to the wind. falling asleep in tears, i'm stuck in this place i'm not entirely sure how to get out of, but i still haven't figured out how to fall asleep and not wake up at all. my head is cloudy, and i know any sentances i string together aren't worthy of being read, just another bundle of dream i might as well just give up on, dreams don't come true. that whole bullshit pseudo american dream about being able to rise above what you were born into is a joke, i'll never get out of it, i'll always be poor, depressed, and living in the world of what might have been if i hadn't fucked it all up. i've never been able to have a plan for the future, or even imagine what it would be, live in the past, stumble through the present, wondering what might happen. the future i sometimes think about is most likely impossible, because it involves some semblance of normalcy, which i probably won't ever reach. i want to write, i've always wanted to, but the encouraging presence of anyone i used to have is gone, and there's no way i can do it on my own, i'd never get past a few pages, even if i could i don't know if i have the attention span for anything. god, i accidentally washed my hands with skin-so-soft by avon, instead of the other soap, and now everytime i bring my hands anywhere close to my face i smell it, and i hate that smell, its awful, my grandmother used to rub it all over me when i was little, to keep the bugs away or something, all i know is i can't stand the smell, its almost making me physically ill. ok, i think the rambling is over now...not that anyone is reading this anyway.