some times my head spins

because i start thinking and i can't stop. i'm always thinking about what could happen, instead of what will happen, some fantastic fantasy of how things should turn out. or something more ridiculous. like how much i miss my grandmother. whenever i'm really scared or upset or the fact that its the holidays and i always miss her at the holidays, because she was basically christmas for me. the most interesting thing about death and mourning is that the more time that passes the less and less you remember the reasons you didn't like someone who died, maybe its just me, but my happy memories wash over the bad ones. i just want somewhere to run when everything goes wrong. she never asked any questions, when i showed up crying and didn't want to go home. she'd make me call my mom, just to tell her where i was, and that i was safe, but beyond that if i didn't want to talk about it she didn't make me, she just fixed the couch for me to sleep on and made me some food. i feel like every issue inside my head comes down to safety. to places i felt safe, people i felt safe with, and this agonizing quest it's become to get that feeling back, because somehow i can never hang on to it, for more than a day or a few days.

i got distracted. talking to kayla. lost my train of thought. maybe i'll catch the next one.

until then, help some starving kids and check out free rice