to the lovers and the liars

i know i haven't posted in a few weeks, i've started posting at least five times and then just not been able to get words out. the other day i took an adderall and wrote four pages single spaced of some rambling semblence of what should be the begining of memoirs...or something. i haven't really picked them up since then, i haven't taken another adderall. on tuesday my father had a cardiac cathaderization, which means they put a camera inside him to see what's wrong with his heart. from 6am to 4:30pm i was inside of sacred heart hospital. i hate hospitals, with the firey passion of a thousand burning suns, to put it lightly. i hate the way they smell, i hate the patronizing way in which people act towards you, and i hated being there with my stepmother who has decided all of a sudden that she cares about whether my father lives or dies. today they met with the heart surgeon and it was decided that my dad will have open heart surgery on monday, where they will repair a valve and do mulitiple (i believe three) bipasses. after the surgery he will be in the hospital for at least five days. to make myself feel better about pending finicial difficulties that i have allowed to prevent me from returning to school, i tell myself i need to be here for him, and its for the best that i'm not going back. its beside the point that i'm still relatively miserable and scared to wake up every morning. i feel useless even though i am here for my father, because i can't drive to help him out at all, and my stepmother is equally as useless because she has a license and chooses not to drive, any anger and hatred i had for her after various incidents of her telling me i'm a slut, a liar, and a guest in her house have only grown in the past few days as she continues to be patronizing, and pretend she cares. as everyone else prepares to return to school i feel even more alone than i have all summer, but i can't see how it matters, either way everyone stopped being my friend months ago. in the last 24 hours the most extreme blow to my mental state has been the discovery that a supposed friend isn't even remotely who i thought they were, and i'm not talking personality traits even, i'm talking factually. maybe its my fault for pulling up a myspace page, i've grown angry with the internet as a result, angry with myself and my lack of sensible judgement. i can only think that i make mistakes and then learn from them, or as a good friend once said "make milkshakes, then learn from them." but thats a joke you won't understand most likely. i try so hard to just put everything out of my head and live my life, one minute at a time, but i can't, its always there, looming, the mess i've made, the one i'm rotting in. the phillies are still on the west coast, and i'm going to the game next friday on a bus trip with the baatz family in place of my dad. i'll be spending next week visiting my dad at the hospital, and spending time alone in this house, in which i hope my stepmother will be asleep or working, and that i will not have to have any extended conversations with her. the only thing i am considering is that she'll be more cold and heartless to me when my father is not around and we aren't in his presence. i have to hope for the best and expect the worst. also, if i hear one more word about terrel owens and his bullshit with the eagles, i may kill someone. well it think that about covers whats been going on, for the most part outside of my head. the inside of my head is still a toss up for the most part.