medium iced, cream and sugar.

today i walked to the doh doh shop on mac & jordan. i got an iced coffee, one glazed and one sugared. i sat there listening to the wall and trying to figure out what's wrong with me. i'm half in mourning of him and half in mourning of my life, and what i've let it disintigrate into over the past two years. certain events in my house are making me sick to my stomach. as far as i'm concerned stephen can't find an apartment fast enough right now. but then i sit here wondering if its really what he wants, becasue i know its going to cause major ripples in his family, and if i wasn't such a mess i wonder if he'd even been willing. hopefully just more paranoia on my part, but who knows. my family is having a party for my uncle who's retiring. on saturday, or sunday, my aunt called and now i'm confused about what day it is because i can never hear people right on the phone anymore. either way if i'm going anywhere i'd really rather go to lisa's in newtown with stephen to help watch the kids. even if matthew is going to be there. i don't know if it'll help at all right now. he's calmed me down in the past, granted, but the other kids will be around so he'll be playing with them, and i'll be stuck answering more uncomfortable questions about why i didn't go back to school. at least if i go with stephen i know that i can hang out with bernadette, who happens to be the coolest, dysfunctional six year old i know. last year it was the 30th that was harder than the 1st, but last year i didn't have as much free time to dwell on everything, because i had friends, school, and proper distraction, i sunk myself into depression a lot easier this year. i'm replaying everything in my head too much, every time i close my eyes, that and that play i read is still haunting me like whoa, and the other shit, that only stephen knows about because i don't trust anyone else enough. and the phillies in the damn wild card race. i mean fuck. like i need my emotions toyed with anymore this week. i painted more nail polish on the back of my phone today. i have no life. i guess that about covers it.