wild card/thoughts and reflections

i come to you knee deep in the hopes of a phillie wild card victory, though the usual expectation of disappointment is forever looming. i wen to the game on friday night on a church bus trip with the baatz family. it was a terrible loss for the phillies, and i only got to see rebecca for about a minute. baseball games don't seem to bring the calm to my soul that they used to, i'm sure it has something to do with major league games, i've gone to four this season, more than i think i ever have before, and the phillies have lost every one of them. i have this incessent longing for the allentown ambassadors, for brandon and jared and bordo, corn boy and mediocre baseball. it was home. i've come to the conclusion that my life has gotten progressively worse in the past two years since the ambassadors folded, the fact that other catostrophic events happened in 2003 may have something to do with it, but maybe it started in late july/early august, when the release bordo and i would go to another game, i was angry, and then august swept by because i was falling in love and serving doughnuts and coffee until school started. i let baseball slip through my fingers, and i've been trying to get it back ever since. last summer we went to a couple games in reading, a little less magical than the ambassadors, because there's less intimacy there but it sufficed. This summer we won't get out to reading, we won't get much of anywhere for the next month and a half to two months while my dad is recovering. and while i dream about the solace i used to get from baseball i can't recapture it, i can't feel content anywhere or with anyone. the few people who made me content aren't readily availible. i haven't talked to rachel in weeks, haven't seen her since january. little matthew bug starts little kickers soccer soon, who knows when i'll see him again. and the person i'm not supposed to mention, or talk to or think about until december might as well be a billion miles away on another planet. now i should probalby fix my dad some lunch before the game comes on, we need to keep winning to stay in wild card lead...