some existential crisis

i've been having somewhat of an existential crisis, (that not even the latest dolce and gabbana strappy sandals can cure...wow i need to stop watching sex in the city) and i don't even know how to put down in words exactly whats been going on in my head. i post a lot more on erik and i's private blog, because i don't really want anyone else inside the interworkings of my mind besides him. tonight i walked to dunkin and got a bagel and a cup of tea. it was supposed to clear my head, but the same stuff is still spinning around. i'm not exactly in a bad mood. i'm not exactly in a good mood either. last night i broke, but got over it relatively quickly. i haven't been kicked out of the house yet, which to me means that louise's threats are baseless and empty. she tries to scare me, and manipulate me, make me cry, but in the end she never takes any evasive action at all, short of course, of going through my room when i'm not home. the funny thing about that is that she went in to take the dvds that she bought from her columbia house or whatever (the ones she never watches) and she took like 4 movies, and left the other seven or so i have in my room, meaning mostly that she is completely empty headed and has forgotten what movies she actually bought. at first i felt violated, but after i thought about it, its kind of humourous. and when i got home from new york on monday, there were two of her gospel cds sitting on my computer, which my dad told me later that she wants copies of for her mother, and i think to myself, all she ever doe is say horrible, cold things to me, why should i do her a favor? i'm not burning them until i figure out how to burn from one drive to the other, i'm not ripping her gospel music onto my computer. she also finally called the vet, because the dog can't even walk anymore. my dad started yelling at her childishly, because that dog is all he has left of my grandmother, and i understand why it upsets him, and though i'll be sad, i know that the dog needs to be put down. it makes me miss my grandmother more than anything else. but i know that she would've put the dog down ages ago, because she was smart about stuff like that. the last five years have been pretty empty without her. a lot of thing have happened that i wish i could've talked to her about. i wonder if she'd hate the way i turned out too. sometimes i think i do.

i wonder if i even know the person that i used to be....