something i wrote last week
When I listened a little closer to The Ataris punked-up cover of Don Henley’s “The Boys of Summer,” I noticed that they changed “dead head sticker” to “Black Flag sticker” and one person popped into my head and I couldn’t get him out. Suddenly in my head I was back in Nippy’s Jeep cruising around after track practice or before Young Life blasting TV Party and a bunch of other Black Flag songs I had never heard before I started hanging out with him. It made me realize how I connect certain songs with people, some for an obvious reason, and some more encrypted in the ridiculous synapse of my mind. I am always working on emotional overtime and not getting paid time and a half.
Another track rang out on my little ipod shuffle and another person’s face popped up in my head, usually someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in reality for eons. It was “Nutshell,” and I emailed Jake, who I haven’t talked to in well over a year. I know I bought my first Alice in Chains CD when we were talking constantly, and that was, and in my head still is, his favorite song. Then there’s “Freshman” by The Verve Pipe, which will always be Andrew. I don’t talk to him anymore, because our political, social, and religious ideals are basically polar opposites and even his away messages give me migraines. But in the ninth grade he made me a construction paper greeting card that had the lyrics to that song all over it, and I bought him the CD for Christmas that year. “Long Day” by Matchbox will always be another one that reminds me of him, because I quoted it in countless letters I wrote to him. Of course there are more recent songs, and people, people I still talk to and see, like “Crazy Bitch” was of course my theme song provided a few months ago by Dan.
All of this mind rushing and making sometimes senseless connections started my wonderings of why I, or people in general, associate songs, or movies, or books, or places, with certain people even when it makes no real sense. Apparent ones again, like Detroit Rock City, The Skulls and Full Metal Jacket; those were the movies I watched with Andy the last night we were together before he died, so of course I associate those movies with him. What about Garden State though? I associate that movie with Steve, but we didn’t watch it together, I don’t know if he’s even seen it, because he and I no longer speak, but every time I watch that movie I can feel him, and I fucking hate it. Fight Club is the more overt movie to associate with him, because we did watch that together, and I still can’t sit still and watch the whole thing. Much to my dismay I still can’t watch Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison or any Star Wars movie with out at least a fleeting thought of Mike, though recent arguments (and I can’t believe I even let myself argue with him) hopefully will help me forget him completely.
Currently the first Avril Lavigne album is playing on my computer and you know it makes me think of, the fact that Brian bought it for me for my sixteenth birthday. Spawning a memory of earlier that summer when Erin, Heather and I laid on Erin’s trampoline the night of the meteor shower and she sang to us. Now I have some deep seeded contempt for Heather that doesn’t even make sense anymore, and I can’t talk to Erin because I’m afraid of the whole situation. There’s this ever-growing list of people in my head that I miss, and it just keeps getting longer, because I keep losing touch or losing people period. I know I’m needy and neurotic and hidden inside this whole rambling mess is probably some sick need for attention, but it is all that makes sense right now, and very rarely does anything make sense in my head, so I’m running with it. I think all the things I connect with people are little tchotchkes of relationships I’m still clinging to, like the shoebox of unorganized pictures sitting in my room, except it’s a mess of mental mementos that jump out on their own, triggered by things I knowingly keep around me, and are full of emotional quick sand.
Another track rang out on my little ipod shuffle and another person’s face popped up in my head, usually someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in reality for eons. It was “Nutshell,” and I emailed Jake, who I haven’t talked to in well over a year. I know I bought my first Alice in Chains CD when we were talking constantly, and that was, and in my head still is, his favorite song. Then there’s “Freshman” by The Verve Pipe, which will always be Andrew. I don’t talk to him anymore, because our political, social, and religious ideals are basically polar opposites and even his away messages give me migraines. But in the ninth grade he made me a construction paper greeting card that had the lyrics to that song all over it, and I bought him the CD for Christmas that year. “Long Day” by Matchbox will always be another one that reminds me of him, because I quoted it in countless letters I wrote to him. Of course there are more recent songs, and people, people I still talk to and see, like “Crazy Bitch” was of course my theme song provided a few months ago by Dan.
All of this mind rushing and making sometimes senseless connections started my wonderings of why I, or people in general, associate songs, or movies, or books, or places, with certain people even when it makes no real sense. Apparent ones again, like Detroit Rock City, The Skulls and Full Metal Jacket; those were the movies I watched with Andy the last night we were together before he died, so of course I associate those movies with him. What about Garden State though? I associate that movie with Steve, but we didn’t watch it together, I don’t know if he’s even seen it, because he and I no longer speak, but every time I watch that movie I can feel him, and I fucking hate it. Fight Club is the more overt movie to associate with him, because we did watch that together, and I still can’t sit still and watch the whole thing. Much to my dismay I still can’t watch Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison or any Star Wars movie with out at least a fleeting thought of Mike, though recent arguments (and I can’t believe I even let myself argue with him) hopefully will help me forget him completely.
Currently the first Avril Lavigne album is playing on my computer and you know it makes me think of, the fact that Brian bought it for me for my sixteenth birthday. Spawning a memory of earlier that summer when Erin, Heather and I laid on Erin’s trampoline the night of the meteor shower and she sang to us. Now I have some deep seeded contempt for Heather that doesn’t even make sense anymore, and I can’t talk to Erin because I’m afraid of the whole situation. There’s this ever-growing list of people in my head that I miss, and it just keeps getting longer, because I keep losing touch or losing people period. I know I’m needy and neurotic and hidden inside this whole rambling mess is probably some sick need for attention, but it is all that makes sense right now, and very rarely does anything make sense in my head, so I’m running with it. I think all the things I connect with people are little tchotchkes of relationships I’m still clinging to, like the shoebox of unorganized pictures sitting in my room, except it’s a mess of mental mementos that jump out on their own, triggered by things I knowingly keep around me, and are full of emotional quick sand.
posted by Amanda @ 11:34 AM
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