uncertainty.

i always feel like i'm repeating myself. i spend so much time figuring out why i can't let go of things that happened years ago. i'm trying to pull away from being stagnant, i'm trying to create motion in my life. i have an appointment on the 13th for admissions to school. its community college but its better than nothing. and part of me is absolutely terrified, that i'll fail again, that i won't be able to pay for it, that i have no right to want out of this abyss. i'm trying not to sabotage myself, i know i have the ability, i just don't know if i have the strength. it can't be about the past, it has to be about the future, nothing has ever frightened me more than the future. i've never been able to make plans way in advance or save money or live past next week, and considering the idea of the future of even my current relationship depends upon my ability to cope long enough to reach that far distant horizan...i'm not making any sense. not even to myself. i can never answer those "where do you think you're going to be in five years?" questions, i mean besides pulling a mitch and saying "celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question." i suppose all i want is something solid to hold onto before i dive head strong into a situation that is going to be more stress compacted into my existence. and something solid, is still somewhere in the distance, with no concept of knowing exactly how far away. i could have thrown all the doubts away last night, i could have called the whole emotional pile of exhaustion away, but i couldn't do it, he's the only person in my life that i see a future with, the first person i've been in a relationship with where i see an actuality of a house and a couple of kids, i never wanted that with anyone else. the uncertainty of it, is somehow quelled.


i'm hungry. i'm gonna go have my leftover food from yesterday.