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theres something to be said for spending three days alone in a room. too sick to do much of anything beside watch seasons of law and order and the l word on dvd and bit torrent movies and music with only a slowly shrinking box of puffs to keep company with. yesterday i dropped my phone behind the head board and spent half an hour manuevering it out, after which i was so exhausted i passed out for about three hours. i'm feeling slightly better, though i've passed the sickness to my dad and i feel horrible about that. i'm still coughing and have mostly no appetite, like i get really hungry, then go fix myself some food and take two bites and don't want to even look at food anymore. i haven't been out of the house since the ER and walgreens field trip wednesday night. but i'm running out of gatorade and tissues, so i might have to actually leave. unless i can get louie to go pick me up some supplies. anyway. i found a scrap of paper under the bed yesterday when i was trying to get my phone out. no date, and i no longer recall when i wrote it. its some how suicidally beautiful....

My last wish is that you use your lives. Don't waste them here. Get out. See the world. Change it. Love yourself. Love others. Learn everything you can. Please don't remember the way it all ended, just remember all the good we shared. There is a moment somewhere, years ago when I realized this world isn't like the movies, and there are no happy endings only momentary bursts of elation and miles and miles of pain and heart ache and mountains of regret, gallons of tears and oceans of blood to be shed. Shed then collected and recycled and fucking divided out into pitchers full of suffering.