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theres something to be said for spending three days alone in a room. too sick to do much of anything beside watch seasons of law and order and the l word on dvd and bit torrent movies and music with only a slowly shrinking box of puffs to keep company with. yesterday i dropped my phone behind the head board and spent half an hour manuevering it out, after which i was so exhausted i passed out for about three hours. i'm feeling slightly better, though i've passed the sickness to my dad and i feel horrible about that. i'm still coughing and have mostly no appetite, like i get really hungry, then go fix myself some food and take two bites and don't want to even look at food anymore. i haven't been out of the house since the ER and walgreens field trip wednesday night. but i'm running out of gatorade and tissues, so i might have to actually leave. unless i can get louie to go pick me up some supplies. anyway. i found a scrap of paper under the bed yesterday when i was trying to get my phone out. no date, and i no longer recall when i wrote it. its some how suicidally beautiful....

My last wish is that you use your lives. Don't waste them here. Get out. See the world. Change it. Love yourself. Love others. Learn everything you can. Please don't remember the way it all ended, just remember all the good we shared. There is a moment somewhere, years ago when I realized this world isn't like the movies, and there are no happy endings only momentary bursts of elation and miles and miles of pain and heart ache and mountains of regret, gallons of tears and oceans of blood to be shed. Shed then collected and recycled and fucking divided out into pitchers full of suffering.

well fuck it all.

basically fuck all that nice stuff I said in my last post about mayelyn. you'd think i'd learn by now the people i end up thinking are my best friends, the people i end up treating like family always end up fucking me over in the end. seriously didn't i just go through some shit like this with some other supposed friends back in april? any way in case you read my blog and don't read myspace bulletins or haven't talked to me in a few days, i got kicked out on friday and am now officially back at my dads. i'm renting a uhaul van on friday to move the stuff that won't fit in louie's car, and i'm going to call around tomorrow to see about a storage unit, just because i don't know where the hell i'm going to put any of that stuff anyway, since there's no real room here. i don't feel like getting in to it, if you want to know i'll tell you but i'm sort of sick of talking about it. i'm totally sick of thinking about it. in other news i've got the wireless set up here finally (ok i know that three days without a constant internet connection doesn't seem like much, but its like crack to me so i've kind of been dying), now all i need to figure out is cable when i get my tv back over here because i'm already going through good eats withdrawl. i watched knocked up and thought it was great, watched most of bender's big score last night, and have superbad sitting here waiting to be viewed. kyp is getting a lot of use, basically making up for the last 7 months or so that i barely used him at all.
i guess all i can say is that life goes on, people make decisions, they cut your heart out and enjoy watching you bleed, you live and learn and try fucking hard not to make the same mistakes again. i know, do or do not there is no try. i'm gonna watch office space til abey gets home, and try to go to sleep at a half way decent hour. peace bitches.