an age (bits)

it has been an age since i last blogged. or at least it seems that way. right now i'm tired, stephen just left a little while ago and i miss him like hell already. i hate the leaving, its the worst part. right before he left i was showing him old pictures from trips and days and people that seem forever away. in the whole mess of things ther's probably three people in those pictures i've talked to in the last week, one of them thoroughly against my will in his late night phone calls, most of which i've been asleep for the past few days. a hundred other people i haven't talked to, don't talk to anymore, and 99% of which i barely know now. pictures of birthdays, one i just had to verify was my 14th...wow, five years ago, and the people in those pictures don't even exist in my life anymore. good memories though...the bad fade, if i've learned anything, its that you'll never be able to remember what it was you fought about back then, and if you do remember, you can't begin to understand why something so ridiculous was worth the end of a friendship, what you do remember, are the laughs, the good times you had, and all of the person's great qualities, and those by far i miss the most. little pieces of you die which each friend you lose, and every friend changes you, little pieces of me are scattered through the years, and they keep falling off. so don't stop calling, or writing, or iming, even in the middle of the night when you're high off your ass...because it still means something to me, that you still care, and because i don't know how many more bits of me i can afford to lose.

exciting

today i ordered ice bat from b&n.com with the gift card my mom got me for my birthday. i've wanted a full sized uglydoll for a long time and am quite excited to finally be getting one. i have the small keychain sized wedgehead already so decided on icebat as he is my other favorite.

yay!
i can't wait until he comes, he's getting shipped out tomorrow and we'll be here in about 3 business days =D!!!

hmmm

earlier today i got this email. it was maybe 7 words. a reply to an email i had sent in early july. apparently this person doesn't check there gmail very often. oh well. the email didn't mean much. it may have meant something back in like...july when i sent it. it sent me into a bit of reflection, not much, just a little bit. at that point i thought maybe that person still mattered. but then i decided they didn't really. and i was overcome with this odd content. i went upstairs. just laid there for a few minutes, wondering why i was so content. but i didn't question it too much. i just put on the wedding singer and took a nap in my contentness.
i don't really have much to say.

me: you're a loser, goodnight.
dan: you love me, night.

he thinks i love him...LOL.

or lack there of.

so i haven't posted. i haven't had anything good to say. its all been said before. read my blogs for the past 2 years...i'll send you the xanga archive if you want. its all there. well, most of it. and what isn't, what's in my head right now, the demon i'm toying with, i can't talk about it. so this is my post, or lack of one. its checking the profile of someone you intentionally took off your buddy list so you wouldn't check it. i'm probably the only freak that does that. that scene from garden state. its bugging me out. go read hairshirt, its a lot more entertaining than i am. i really want some of that corn thing my aunt made on saturday. some corn pudding thing. it was good. theres no food here for me to eat. but that isn't anything new. oh well. i've come to the conclusion that i've most likely spent a great deal of my time trying to be something that i'm not. trying to be unique. forcing poetry when there's nothing but prose, and untalented prose at that. i want a cigarette extremely bad right now. i was talking to anthony about it last night. i had a good time at the movies with corinne. i realized last night that i can't be mad at anthony for living his life the way he is, because he's happy, and that's more than i can say for myself. his odd brand of enlightenment brought me a scintilla of my own. everyone spends so much time judging people on their own perceptions of right and wrong, it would be so much easier and truer to base the worth of a person on her happiness, not on actions or accomplishment or even behavior. on happiness. i'll leave you with that.