non post

i haven't really been posting much. i'm not sure why. i guess blogging doesn't control my life the way it used to on xanga. i'm in coopersburg at my mothers. have been since sunday. a little bored, but clean, fed, still basically in the same depressive/manic cycle. last night there was a storm, the power went out sort of, i dunno. before it started raining yesterday i had taken a walk to the park, and then i watched new york minute, that really bad mary kate and ashley movie, after that is about when the power went out. my mom and i joked around over the penny power and the qmart ad for a while, which was pretty funny. last night crazy charlie won the real gilligans island, and richard and mindi once again made it out of the elimination room on beauty and the geek. after the real gilligans island, editted sex and the city came on tbs, but i figured my mom has them all on dvd, so i watched the unedited ones instead, ened up staying up past 2 watching like six different episodes. i miss manhattan. i know i was just there on sunday, but i was only there for like barely an hour, so i dunno. i'm sort of out of it, think i should probably find something to eat or whatever...i've been on a weird cheerios kick since i've been here. i feel shitty. it doesn't really matter anyway...

lovin' til the mornin, then i'm gone, i'm gone

long time no post...guess i just haven't really felt like it. well this past saturday after scotty backing out and a few adventures along the way, luis took me to see judas priest with him at the tweeter center in camden. it was quite a detroit rock city-esque day. after the concert was over we returned to the parking lot to find luis had left the lights on...we got saved by two stoners and this guy who had a striking resemblence to jon bon jovi. the concert was really awesome, well i could give or take the opening band queensriche, i'm not really sure, they might be good, but i just wasn't into it. there were some interesting kids sitting in front of us, from upper perk, a fat kid named steve, who lived in norway until he was five (where it is "bitchin cold), and his friend Tom. pretty neat i guess, in the single serving friend department. priest was really awesome, even though i only knew three songs they played. After we got back to the valley, we picked up big scott and went to the city view, where we had the scariest waitress i had ever seen. and i had a turkey club. i passed out when i got home, and on sunday we went to go see batman begins, by the best movie i've seen in a long time, and the best batman movie ever, didn't think christian bale could do it, but he did, and did it well...no to mention, liam neeson lived beyond the first twenty minutes of the movie. then we went to rookies, big surprise there.
that night my psyche went south, and until yesterday afternoon i was in a pretty bad place emotionally. i wasn't sleeping well, crying a lot, i even picked a stupid fight with jude of all people, i mean seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. anyway, yesterday i talked to david, he told me he's giving up drugs, and that he has a new girlfriend who's 19, and well, that made my day, and besided the fact that i had go to dinner with my dad and stepmother yesterday I was fine. yep...that's about it...anything else?

bored much

so i haven't posted in a few days, not like i've been busy or anything, just not in the mood to write about anything. i did hang out with corinne on tuesday morning, and david on tuesday afternoon. i haven't done a hell of a lot since. i watched the bad news bears today. good movie. tried to watch phantom of the opera, but i fell asleep, i guess i don't have the culture for stuff like that. i suck at checkers, thats what i was playing on yahoo just before. my dad and step mom are both working tonight, i'm home alone. no money. barely any food. yeah, this is the life right? not exactly. theres a few places i'd rather be, but i'm sure none of them want me either. tomorrow the happy high class of 2005 graduates, and my cousin zachary plays in his little league allstar game. i have no idea how i would find transportation to either. blah...yep that's how i feel. wow, its almost 7pm, i have killed a bit of time. i hate when the phils are on the west coast, games don't start here until 10pm, sucks, plus we've dropped 2 in a row to the damn seattle mariners. land of starbucks...yeah well. i could go for a grande iced carmel machiato though. mmm. i finally emailed the 2 pictures from mayfair from my dads phone to my email. here they are


a beautiful rainbow


a scary bout of republicanism with ketchup

closer

well lets just say closer sat about as well with me this time as it did the first time i saw it. i do sort of like it though, in my own extensive masochism. my mom didn't like it at all, she didn't get it, or why i had a problem with it mentally. i don't know if she's really niave, or is just pretending to be so to placate me. we did talk a lot today, she and i. we went out with her friend carrie for lunch, and then we were barely home ten minutes when we got an impromtu invite to cheryl's step daughters graduation party, so we drove out there. interesting, most likely the understatement of the century when in comes to that group of people. it was on the way home from that horrid party thing that we talked. kind of felt better. kind of i don't know. then we watched Alfie, good movie, but still didn't completely sit right. why do i take everything so goddam personally? i can't help it. i miss writing. i wish i could write again. i hate the thoughts that are constantly turning in my head, the ones i can't escape from. i hate dreams that feel so real that you wake up, and have to figure out whether or not they really happened. i didn't want that dream to have been a dream. i would've stayed inside it forever, forever until the end of this life...if you could call this a life. in the other room something odd is on the nicktoons channel, invader zim i believe...a vasquez endeavor i'm not the biggest fan of. everything else he's done is genius...the cartoon, i dunno, just doesn't do it for me. i didn't feel like going in and changing it to two stupid dogs, not in the mood to laugh or something, that is the best show ever though. the things inside me are all that dull, depressed, empty pain. in my chest and in my wrists, maybe in my head as well. tomorrow i have joshua's birthday party and then ecw pay per view at the botz's, sounds divine doesn't it? something like that. in my head life is in slow motion, but its moving way too fast. tears are welling up again for no good reason, or maybe there is one, but i don't want to say it, because if i actually say it, i'll have to face it, and you know that i would much rather run, run as fast as i can lying all the way so i don't have to face anything i think or feel or do.

i used to write things down so i'd never forget anything...
now i long to erase it all and start over...

what day is it?

its come to that point that my days blend together...what, it's friday already? wasn't it just monday? with nothing in between them, besides my cell phone getting shut off because i didn't pay the bill, theres nothing to keep track of what day it actually is. today i'm going back down to my moms. i dunno what we're doing or anything, but tomorrow we're going out with carrie, who i havent' seen in forever, so that should be pretty fun. if you need me...well i dunno how you're going to get me. whatever, doesn't really matter i suppose. if you really want to get in touch with me, you can go to your nearest sprint store, give them my phone number, and pay my bill...lol, like that'll happen. wishful thinking, because i know that only stephen reads this anyway. oh well, i'm gonna do laundry at my moms. good times. so anyway, we have confirmed that its friday, woo hoo. just like every other day...i really need a fucking job.

sunburn

yesterday we went to the phillies diamondbacks game at the CBP. left field seats that we didn't sit in for long, because we ended up moving down to where my uncle dwight was about 2 sections over. i got to see/spend some time with my darling rebecca, and even though the phils lost, it was a really good day. not lots of pics like last time...but heres one that one of dwights parisioners took of us:

if i die tomorrow

by motley crue

I wake up to find myself
After all these years
And where all the time has gone
Still seems so unclear
Cause there's no one else
Since I found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow

It brings out the worst in me
When you're not around
I missed the sound of your voice
The silence seems so loud
Cause there's no one else
Since I found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said, all I can say
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow

I spent all my life
Looking for our innocence
I've got nothing to lose
Nothing to prove
I won't make the same mistakes
Now I know
That everything will be okay
If I die tomorrow

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
If I die tomorrow

this town

this town makes me feel ugly. because when i lived here that was what i was, i was awkward, and not pretty and no guy wanted to be anything more than my friend. i mean...its been years since that was the truth, but walking around here, it just makes it so evident, and i feel so alone. on tuesday i walked up to living memorial (the park, for those of you non coopersburgians) and i was swinging on the swings and listening to my headphones...singing outloud, because there was no one around, even if there had been i may have sung anway. i was so completely happy in that moment, i don't even know how to explain it...sining comfortable by john mayer, and swinigng like i was five, that was probably why it was so great, because i felt like i was five. then walking back i was going to go talk to amanda nicole, i had written her a letter and picked her some stupid flowers and everything, but i pussied out...i saw her from across the lot and i just couldn't do it. i called dan, he reassured me that i wasn't a pussy...i needed to hear that from him, because he did it all semester....really sort of miss that kid...might be going to the phillies game on monday, pretty excited about that. i think this entry started out about coopersburg, and how i don't feel like a whore here, that i feel like a kid, an awkward, unpopular loser that couldn't get a date if she tried. at least in the NY metro area i have some fucking self esteem...but not here, not in coopersburg. anyway, my lip is finally starting to un-numb from the dentist, so i'm going to try and eat...

"i braved those mountain passes and you skipped your early classes and we learned how our bodies worked..."