some times my head spins

because i start thinking and i can't stop. i'm always thinking about what could happen, instead of what will happen, some fantastic fantasy of how things should turn out. or something more ridiculous. like how much i miss my grandmother. whenever i'm really scared or upset or the fact that its the holidays and i always miss her at the holidays, because she was basically christmas for me. the most interesting thing about death and mourning is that the more time that passes the less and less you remember the reasons you didn't like someone who died, maybe its just me, but my happy memories wash over the bad ones. i just want somewhere to run when everything goes wrong. she never asked any questions, when i showed up crying and didn't want to go home. she'd make me call my mom, just to tell her where i was, and that i was safe, but beyond that if i didn't want to talk about it she didn't make me, she just fixed the couch for me to sleep on and made me some food. i feel like every issue inside my head comes down to safety. to places i felt safe, people i felt safe with, and this agonizing quest it's become to get that feeling back, because somehow i can never hang on to it, for more than a day or a few days.

i got distracted. talking to kayla. lost my train of thought. maybe i'll catch the next one.

until then, help some starving kids and check out free rice

livescribe

i want this wicked bad.
it won't be out by christmas.
i almost want it more than a new computer.
its supposed to be under $200 retail.
hmph.
money is sooo stupid. like why don't i ever have any?
growl.
ok i think that's about it for now.

incoming...

instead of just pacing around my room and talking to myself, i suppose i can talk to the blog, which means there still won't be anyone listening, but it'll be here for me to look at later so i can remember the conversation i had with myself.
i turned off the tv, because its rotting my brain and i no longer enjoy infomercials. i put on some iron and wine and made myself a cup of tea. a read a little of my book, and then started to have a discussion with myself about the fast approaching holiday season. i can think of only one thing i really want for Christmas, and its absolutely not material. I've decided i'm pretty well set for material things, besides the ever distant new computer with enough ram to play world of warcraft. i got my fridge, i have cable which lessens the need for dvds, though there are dvds that i want for nothing in an immediate sense. i got the remote for my ipod, so now that issue is solved. as far as celebrating the holidays, i feel it an empty exercise, in the last six years ((since my grandmother died)) i've had one really great christmas, because the Canzoneris have Christmas like a syndicated tv movie. I'm not saying the holidays were always a picnic when my grandmother was alive, but at least our family actually talked to eachother and some sense of tradition was upheld. at this point in my life the only holiday i feel like celebrating is festivus, which is a completely made up holiday from seinfeld ((for those of you who don't watch it and ultimately suck)). I can't think of a material holiday gift that would bring me anything but momentary happiness. Materially I am basically content, yes there are things i want that i can't afford, but non of them is necessary really. What I'm trying to say is that its an emotional contentness that i'm after, I want, no, I need to not be restless and listless and forever battling the skewed point between reality and non reality which i can't ever seem to get a handle on. I don't want to be togetheralone (which is what i call my current relationship status) i just want to be together, and not have to pretend that I'm okay with the way things are. I don't feel like shopping for anyone really, I know what i want to get for the girls, and thats about it. As far as what i want, unless you can get him to let me in enough to allow me to go out there, and physically transport me to bg, all i really want is quiet. I want to not feel crazy and pathetic.
And I suppose i wouldn't be completely objected the seinfeld complete series box set, and that box set of dvds the who just relaesed, because no matter how much everyone hates on them, or how much rap I've been randomly listening to, there will never be anything i love more than the who, musically at least. oh and rupert mitchell would like some magnets, because he only has one.

i hope maybe some of that will be coherent, but for stream of consciousness i'm not realy worried about it.

happy emo day. (or should it be sad?)

(i heart made up holidays!)

thursday. in the early november. i'm pretty sure there were a couple other criteria.

please observe 11:11am/pm as minutes to spend sobbing, preferably in a dark corner!


oh...
and i'm not doing nanowrimo this year. because i'm lazy.

(i heart silly mini blogs too.)

have an emorific day! <3