its all leading toward something.

supposedly. but i'll procrastinate until monday to do my paper that's due wednesday. i'll dive into another one of these ridiculously engrossing fables comics. i'll keep breathing until i can call the psychiatrist back on monday to hopefully make an appointment. i'll go on believing that this is called growing up and i'm doing it, and that it'll be okay. but in coop this morning. getting lost on blue church because i wanted to drive the wrong way past all those houses where the kids i used to know used to live. lost on the way to bring my grandmother flowers. nearly seven years and for the first time i went to the cemetery of my own accord. i told her about the suit i wore to my observation on tuesday and how i wish she were here to hit her third son up side the head for mistreating one of his daughters. i know she played favorites but if she knew i know she wouldn't let that go on. lost. i get an A on a test i thought i bombed and i think maybe i can actually do this. maybe i won't fail this time. but most of the time i can't believe it. there are other things i can't believe, and he doesn't read this so i almost feel free to share. and maybe i am finally ready to get better, i made the phone calls, asked sterner for a recommendation, which was a completely huge social phobia i had to deal with in itself. and maybe its all because i don't want to lose him, because even if i have to wait forever ((which it feels like its been already)) i think i'll still believe that he's the one. everyone already calls me crazy, so its not like reputation is really at risk here. get better or i'm gone. that's basically the ultimatum. and frankly i don't believe in ultimatums, i think my eighth grade algebra teacher told me they were never a good idea and it just kind of took. but i suppose its a positive request, even if it feels unsupportive and cold. i guess i never realize how dramatic i'm being for little reason, i never realize how tiring it must be to listen to me cry all the time. i can't agree with him completely though, i still think there has to be a better way than ultimatums. my room smells like lilacs, my grandmother again. the more i think about this growing up business, the more i miss her. sigh. here i go again crying for no reason. i'm just going to try to breath, and talk to myself because he won't answer the phone, its nominally ridiculous, there are other people i could talk to, at this point i just don't want to. we're going to the movies on sunday. one of my goals for the week was to make a new friend or to spend time with one i already had. so i already did that at the diner the other night, but reviving the totally violent movie on easter tradition passes as well. plus this cool kid at school ((cool beard dude who's name i'm not sure of)) was telling me he got to go to a kevin smith q&a in redbank. how cool is that? yeah pretty friggin cool. even though he's a mets fan.

sigh. another friday night alone.