yay for a great night
Tonight Stee brought his cameraaaaaaaa and we took pictwores...
My nemo pillow with squirt in a pocket, and Angelina and Adrian also joining the picture
Me and My Steeeeeeeee....this is the cutest picture...the rest i kind of looked gross in
<3 <3 <3
stones taught me to fly
so i'm addicted to damien rice, which bec and gina think is hysterical, because its "dancer music." i haven't posted in a few days, life has been uneventful, apart from today being the day from hell. i dont' really feel like rehashing it. i don't feel like doing much, i need to sleep, i have an appointment with judy katz tomorrow...i might kill myself after that one. otherwise....i dunno. gayle had to cancel on me today last minute, they had a situation or something...dave the rd was there...so who knows. i just really needed to talk to her, and so that kind of screwed my day from there on in. not to mention i sat here watching empire today instead of doing anything constructive. then again when do i ever do anything constructive. i'm a slug. our AC works...which means sitting at my computer is cold. my printer is out of black ink, because i printed a 25 page thing out for ryan yesterday. blah. christines computer is broken, so she's been using mine too. i was really pretty suicidal today. i had a letter running in my head and everything. i started writing a short story for creative writing, so that bitch doesn't kill me thursday. its kind of loosely based on the truth, but i'm trying to make it more interesting than reality. i only have like half a page, and it starts out with a quote from a damien rice song...wow...loser...that's me. i wonder how you change the default font on this to like arial, because i always have to highlight and change it, because you know it needs to be sans serif to read well on the web. blahhhhhh. i miss rachel. i sort of talked to her for a few minutes yesterday, but she worries me and i want to see her, and hug her. i had a dream last night that i was at the high school, but my creative writing teacher was there, along with miss donahue. in the begining of the dream i was in the caf, or something like it, and i ran into joey z, and totally made out with him. and then i had to go a detention with the creative writing woman, and dave was there all upset, and then i made out with some chick, and i'm not sure but i think its that girl in my philosophy class...it was really odd...and confusing and stuff. i got a dave hug in my dream though...i'm in desperate need of a dave hug. well i'll be back in PA full time soon enough...dont' want to rush that one along anymore than its already coming.
a long walk home
i just walked home, all the way from penn station. for those of you who aren't familiar with the manhattan island lay out, penn station is located at 34 street and 7th ave. my apartment is on 55th street and 3rd ave. 21 blocks north, 6 blocks east. about two and a half miles. while i walked i thought about things, how i don't want these last three weeks to ever end. i've been wearing my hershey kiss necklace, the one my grandma gave me about three days before she died, and when i was walking i looked up at the sky and held my necklace and thought, "only three blocks to grandma's, and i can crash on her couch, and she'll give me a hug, and won't ask any questions, and she'll drive me to school in the morning" i was back on that night that i got in some screaming match with my mom. it was a wednesday, because the screaming match started before dawson's, and i walked out around 8. i walked to kings, called andrew max, who told me to call my dad. instead of calling my dad i just walked to grandma's. she made me call my mom, to tell her where i was, but after that she said it was okay if i didn't want to talk about it. she gave me an a treat soda, and i had to watch the west wing with her instead of dawsons, but it was okay. i fell asleep on the couch with friskee cuddled next to me under one of those blue and white throws she always had. in the morning she drove me home so i could get clothes and my school books, and then took me to school. i had to talk to andrew max about what happened on dawsons...
remember her tonight...made me feel a little safer, i just wish she was still here to run too...
poem (because i didn't get to share it in class)
the following is the poem that i wrote for class. it kind of sucks, but it came from that inner gooey part of me...so you'll have to excuse it.
Past a smile in the window towns whiz by Steven Tyler sings how I’m “so jaded,” but you don’t seem to mind. Wondering what happens now The bottom must fall out soon. Days go by and buying dinner, buying time. Deserves greater tribute than this amateur verse, longing for more than forced rhyme in down time, alone. Rushing for trains stealing kisses on the way. Little surprises, too many smiles I wait for some harsher goodbye, Can you see it in my eyes? Text message hearts on my way home show you don’t sense my fear, reassuring tomorrow you’ll be here. Just one more train ride one more Goodbye.
baseball would never make me cry
in creative writing i was fighting back the tears and i texted stephen, who told me, "there's no crying in baseball," well folks, this isn't baseball, baseball doesn't make me cry (with the exception of sentimental happy tears, and when the ams released bordo and i fucking bawled). i really wasn't going to cry though, i had it under control, and abbey is always amazingly ridiculously funny enough that i never make it to the point where i'll actually bawl, (and mike petrecelli had this great story where he kept saying fuck), but then we went to break, and the teacher, who i can't stand as it is, pulls me aside to tell me i should have had my "exercise" ready. fuck her, i brought a poem, just because it wasn't her stupid "write out of you genre" fucking exercise, she didn't care, "you've done this before, what's going on with you? do you do this in your other classes?" look lady, i have a writing issue, i shouldn't have taken this class, i know that now. everyone says i can write, but i still don't see it, i can't do it, especially when i have to. i tried to explain to her that i have a complex, but she doesn't understand, nor does she give a shit, her job is to be critical. duh amanda. so i walk out in to the hall and start crying. and this sweet girl in my class marybeth gives me a hug, tells me last class the woman was really laying into her too, and that i shouldn't let her get to me. well somehow i just couldn't help it, i'm pmsing (i detest using that as an excuse, but aparently i'm more likely to be this nuts this time of the month), there' s eighteen billion other things going on in my head right now, about school and home and life and whether or not i'm headed right for giving up, i might as well at this point. i wrote during philosophy, came out and said all these things i can't say here, because i'm still holding them in, even though they're on paper in my notebook. because if i come out and say it, if i ask for help or something smart like that, omg, someone would probably help me and i might actually be able to succeed in life, but i obviously wouldn't want that to happen. i think this entire post is about four or five run on sentences with misplaced commas and bad grammar, see i can't write, i don't know where gayle and paulie paul and miss donahue ever got the idea that i could, its all bullshit really, techniqually speaking i suck ass, completely.
you know otherwise today was a pretty great day, woke up, showered, got all pretty and stuff and got on a train to go to lunch with stephen, who is probably the sweetest guy in the world. we went to quiznos and then to the mall, where he bought me a nemo pillow that has a pocket with squirt in it, its the cutest thing ever, and he didn't have to, but he did, guess i'm just not used to that. i guess i just wish he were here to hold me like every second...which i know is too much to ask...
i wanted to put up a picture of my nemo pillow with pocketed squirt, but i can't find a pic anywhere online...maybe my darling will bring his camera tomorrow and i can take a picture of it and put it up here...
did you make it to the end of this post? i hope whoever you worship blesses you for that, and if you leave me a comment i could give you a present...no i'm not telling you what it is...its a surprise...remember, you don't have to have a blogger account to comment...hehe, wow...this definitely made me feel slightly better
Roller coaster tuesday...
this morning at like 10:30 my room got buzzed 8 thousand times...and no one else was home, after i avoided the first million buzzes, the second rain of them began and i had to actually get up, tell them whoever they wanted wasn't here...turns out ryan left her phone and she wanted to see if someone would bring it to up to school...grrr...i got back to sleep. and at noon i was woken by the news of a new Pope, i then went to 501 to watch Pope coverage. ate some food, and i wasn't feelin great so i layed back down. passed out, until about ten minutes after i was supposed to leave. rushed out. got up to school...shitty session...didn't cry while i was there, waited until i got outside....it should be easier just to let this shit stay inside, letting it out is killing me, especially with the other shit going on in my head. ugh...everyone's opinion is the same, cept maybe erik...but if the majority wins, then i guess i know what i'm doing. i'm torn, but i know what the right decision is, i just don't know if i really can make it...i don't know if i really am ready to be happy...if i can avoid ruining it now whats the chance i won't at some point...ugh...face the past, and the future...all at the same time...
ugh...
"we know everything must have an end, we can't pretend its so nice of you to stick around"
well yesterday after much bullshit i finally got hearts on parade by american hi fi...definitely worth it. so amazing. then again their albums are never a dissapointment. its beautiful outside, i walked all the way to school to pick something up from the bitch's mail box (my crit 2 teacher) and it wasn't there...grrr. but the walk was nice, jamin to this awesome cd. rebecca and i are going to see the black out effect tomorrow, aka metrodrive or project 67, a band i saw open for aztek trip at croc's years ago, and she used to date the lead singer. rebecca and i are so soul mates...lol. o man...i love songs with star wars references..."i'm right on track holdin' court like obie wan baby's got it goin on"...yeah baby. otherwise my thoughts are complex and confused, talked to corinne this morning and her advice was good, but obvious, and i can't believe i've been talking to dan about my stuff...we're so tight now...LOL...phils play the mets tonight, and everyone in the division is tied at six and six with the nationals in first...that's the expos there...in first place...WTF???...man i want to watch the game, but i don't have fox sports net ny...suckfest. i really wanted a cheese steak, like super bad last night while they were showing the game on espn, i was going to go to some place thats on like 33rd and 3rd ave, but i don't know if i want one that bad anymore, i might just go to angelo's and get some of that pizza with the olives and anchovies...yummy.
"faded to black he's poppin down prozac nobody knows the highs and lows"
"checkin emails on her phone she got more hits than the rolling stones"
<3<3<3
Empire State Building
Tonight Stephen
and I went to the Empire State Building, because we'd both never been
there, and decided it would be cool. We had a really good time,
everything was super pretty and all that good stuff. A little
chilly, but worth it, we bought key chains, so we can say "been there,
done that, got the keychain" there was a t shirt that said
"attitude is all about altitude"...a little too cheesy, but kind of fun
to say fast. below are some pretty pictures.
ESB from 33rd and 6th or so
Looking directly up from below.
Out the window on the 80th floor, i believe...
Another out the window, Chrysler building...
Pretty view looking south on the island of manhattan
Random people's heads, and the beautiful sunset
Stephen and I...some foreign dude took this pic, and cut Stee's head off :P
Looking down as the lights of the city go up...
The top of the observation tower
Had a really great night, went to outback, watched elf, good times.
<3
a new begining
after almost 2 straight years of the childish ways of xanga, i've decided to move on, and move here, to blogger. the past few months have been building to some major turning point in my life, that i think i keep making, though i'm still not sure if i'm quite there yet. life moves quickly, in only a few short weeks i'll be leaving for a summer back in the lehigh valley, though i'm not sure how that will work out, hopefully it won't be bad, and i can get through just fine. i've definitely learned how to cope a little better with things. this post is disgustingly general, its almost making me sick. i guess that its because it's after 1am, and i just made the biggest ass out of myself ever. o well...tomorrow is another day, maybe i won't look as stupid, but i doubt it.
ten gold stars gets a scratch and sniff...<3
