i wrote a poem

i wrote this poem, at this point it remains untitled. i would like some comments and/or constructive criticism. thank you.

Prodding and pacing
at memories that want erasing.
Your face, the place I left it,
the photographs with rapid fading
stray my mind.

Alone, on shorter days
with darker evenings,
Hours steaming with rancid daydreams.
half-expecting your patience's ceasing
and find you at my side.

But no reassurance to what I'm facing,
Your hollow silence still deafening.
Minutes, days, and paper wasted
in futile provision
of dispensing immortality,
To something you deemed love,
and I thought it worthy.

~ACH November 15, 2005

apple shampoo

on the side of my bathtub there's a two year old bottle of V05 apple shampoo. i haven't used it in just under that two years, yet there it sits. theres a rotting remenant of a label, the kind they print out and stick on all of your stuff when you're in the psych ward, you can't read what it used to say. theres a marble composition book in some box, and the first line of an entry says something about it...i can't find it...i dont' know what notebook it was in or where it said it...it was like "apple shampoo and sex will always be andy to me.." one of those has faded...sex became something to pass the time, something like cutting, something that creates extreme feeling to make sure i'm still alive, even though i'm not more alive now than i was two years ago today. along the way i became really good at the whole sex thing...probably too good, because i have an ego that almost makes me sick to my stomach. but that apple shampoo will always be andy, and it'll always sit there and make me think of him, and i'll never use it, because then i'll smell like ray and i won't be able to hack it...this rambling isn't something you're supposed to understand, but i had to do it...i haven't talked to my mom in over a month now, and in a week it'll be 2 years since she told me she didn't want me anymore, and it still bothers me, because now she doesn't even acknowledge that i exist unless its convient for her, and it barely ever is. part of me misses her, but i won't call, because i'm so close to that bad place right now, and if i do it i want to feel what it feels like to not know, to not hear goodbye. i've posted twice in one day...i've been in the mood to write lately, its like the sickness inside of me that i can't get to go away.

no one's place to say...

its texas right...its not really a surprise that they constitutionally banned gay marriage. but...that doesn't make it right, it doesn't make it right that i found that article on the profile of a person who has just passed beyond the point of hypocricy. who's right is it to judge who you fall in love with, or who you want to spend the rest of you life with? its not my right, its definitely not the government's right, and linking to that article with the words "Go Texas" makes me ill. I could say this is about that person's sexuality, or what i used to know of it, or about my own sexuality or the fact that i went to marymount, but its not really, its about the fact that no one should be able to decide for you. i think there are very few political agendas in the world today that i feel as strongly about as this one, because its not about politics and laws...its about love. most of all its about the fact that such a majority of the world is still completely closed minded and homophobic. if its a religious offense...what happened to seperation of church and state? oh...right...i forgot, that doesn't exist in America, because God only blesses us here, and there for faith has something to do with the government. Maybe i'm just spouting off, and i haven't researched "their" side of the story...but what good solid factual reason could anyone possibly have for banning love, because that's exactly what they're doing.

i think i'm moving to the moon...because its a good place to work on my vertical leap, and i can marry whomever i wish.

prime

i'm not going to review the movie. it was a very funny movie, with a bittersweet ending, much like that of a movie like closer, but the whole movie was laugh out loud hysterical. what i really want to say is the movie depressed me. in 2 ways. it made me miss gayle (my therapist at school) and it made me miss manhattan, like whoa. like, i watch a lot of movies in new york, i watch a lot of law and order which is in new york, but something about that movie, they went to magnolia...i dunno. but as funny as the movie was i ended up leaving throughly depressed. thinking about therapy. thinking about how i still need it desperately. and i went home and was talking to a friend online, about my trust issues, my problems with feeling secure, and its all running through my head again, its all an issue. i don't even feel safe in my skin right now. and we all know what me not feeling safe in my skin leads to. it still doesn't help. someday i'll actually get it through my thick skull that it never will, but right now, its back to a coping thing. my voice is horse, i don't know, like i think the cold i had moved to my chest or something, so i don't really feel like talking at all. i'm not really hungry, though i haven't eaten much in the past few days, just don't feel like eating. i guess its sunday which means football and stuff, but i may just go back upstairs. our dog is going blind. i think they should get her put to sleep. but i won't even suggest it becasue i know they won't listen to me. whatever.

a book

today manda and i were having a conversation and i was saying that i should write a book about my sexual experiences...except that i wouldn't want anyone i know to read it...(i.e. my mother, my boyfriend, his family, people that i want to think highly of me) but it could make for some rather interesting reading, and it would on the plus side give my stepmother a heart attack, which would be entertaining in itself. if i do i think i'd probably write it under a pseudanym (sp?) or something like that...i dunno, just a thought. i'm in a really pissy mood right now, and i just put an angry sign in the kitchen because the other people that live in this house (i.e. my father and stepmother) do not understand the concept of changing the garbage bag when it is over flowing. seriously, it was so much easier living with 5 girls my age than it is living with 2 people who are suppose to be adults and think they have a right to tell me what to do with my life, when they don't even understand the simple concept of taking out the trash. growl. ok...i'm done flipping out, at least for the moment.
have a nice tuesday.