2 days left

i have just about 2 days left before age 19. amanda nicole decided the other day that i don't post enough, which is basically true, but i have very little to say, and most of its relatively depressing, so just decide not to share. i almost had a job for half a second, but i have on social security card, so i don't think they're going to be able to hire me. it takes like 2 weeks to get a new one...oh well. i got the new death cab for cutie cd yesterday. it is in fact amazing, not that that should be any surprise to you if you are familliar with the band. my dad is doing a lot better, my stepmother is still a useless bitch...no surprise there. its depressing reading everyones away messages about school, i suppose it'll be worse when all the marymount kids get back. i might change my screen name. thus removing all the people who's away messages i shouldn't care about anyway. as we all know its borderline stalking checking the away messages of people you don't even talk to. the visiting nurse should be here shortly. yeah. i've been having vicious bipolar mood swings. its exhausting. stephen is coming tomorrow, its our five month...wow...ridiculous. the fair started last night...i guess we might go while stephen's here...i told someone the other day that the *great* allentown fair is only *great* if there is road head involved to and from it...lol. anyway...that's about it, there manda, there's your damn update, sorry you asked now aren't you?

wild card/thoughts and reflections

i come to you knee deep in the hopes of a phillie wild card victory, though the usual expectation of disappointment is forever looming. i wen to the game on friday night on a church bus trip with the baatz family. it was a terrible loss for the phillies, and i only got to see rebecca for about a minute. baseball games don't seem to bring the calm to my soul that they used to, i'm sure it has something to do with major league games, i've gone to four this season, more than i think i ever have before, and the phillies have lost every one of them. i have this incessent longing for the allentown ambassadors, for brandon and jared and bordo, corn boy and mediocre baseball. it was home. i've come to the conclusion that my life has gotten progressively worse in the past two years since the ambassadors folded, the fact that other catostrophic events happened in 2003 may have something to do with it, but maybe it started in late july/early august, when the release bordo and i would go to another game, i was angry, and then august swept by because i was falling in love and serving doughnuts and coffee until school started. i let baseball slip through my fingers, and i've been trying to get it back ever since. last summer we went to a couple games in reading, a little less magical than the ambassadors, because there's less intimacy there but it sufficed. This summer we won't get out to reading, we won't get much of anywhere for the next month and a half to two months while my dad is recovering. and while i dream about the solace i used to get from baseball i can't recapture it, i can't feel content anywhere or with anyone. the few people who made me content aren't readily availible. i haven't talked to rachel in weeks, haven't seen her since january. little matthew bug starts little kickers soccer soon, who knows when i'll see him again. and the person i'm not supposed to mention, or talk to or think about until december might as well be a billion miles away on another planet. now i should probalby fix my dad some lunch before the game comes on, we need to keep winning to stay in wild card lead...

someone you used to know

by colin raye

I ain't gonna lie to you
And say it didn't hurt
To see you with someone new
And you were wearing my old blue shirt
But it didn't kill me until we said "Hello"
And I became someone you used to know

Like a friend, like a fool
Like some guy you knew in school
Didn't we love, didn't we share
Or don't you even care
I know we said we were through
But I never knew how quickly I would go
From someone you loved to someone you used to know

Bet you didn't tell him about those weekends at the coast
Or how we used to argue about who loved who the most
Well, I guess I won that one,cause I still need you so
But to you I'm just someone you used to know

Like a friend, like a fool
Like some guy you knew in school
Didn't we love, didn't we share
Or don't you even care
I know we said we were through
But I never knew how quickly I would go
From someone you loved to someone you used to know
Didn't we love, didn't we share
Or don't you even care
I know you said we were through
But I never knew how quickly I would go
From someone you loved to someone you used to know
I'm not someone you love
I'm someone you used to know

(i don't particularly feel like making a real post, theres a lot going through my head, people popping into my thoughts that i'm not supposed to think about...so very alone and can't stand one more moment in this house with my stepmother...)

to the lovers and the liars

i know i haven't posted in a few weeks, i've started posting at least five times and then just not been able to get words out. the other day i took an adderall and wrote four pages single spaced of some rambling semblence of what should be the begining of memoirs...or something. i haven't really picked them up since then, i haven't taken another adderall. on tuesday my father had a cardiac cathaderization, which means they put a camera inside him to see what's wrong with his heart. from 6am to 4:30pm i was inside of sacred heart hospital. i hate hospitals, with the firey passion of a thousand burning suns, to put it lightly. i hate the way they smell, i hate the patronizing way in which people act towards you, and i hated being there with my stepmother who has decided all of a sudden that she cares about whether my father lives or dies. today they met with the heart surgeon and it was decided that my dad will have open heart surgery on monday, where they will repair a valve and do mulitiple (i believe three) bipasses. after the surgery he will be in the hospital for at least five days. to make myself feel better about pending finicial difficulties that i have allowed to prevent me from returning to school, i tell myself i need to be here for him, and its for the best that i'm not going back. its beside the point that i'm still relatively miserable and scared to wake up every morning. i feel useless even though i am here for my father, because i can't drive to help him out at all, and my stepmother is equally as useless because she has a license and chooses not to drive, any anger and hatred i had for her after various incidents of her telling me i'm a slut, a liar, and a guest in her house have only grown in the past few days as she continues to be patronizing, and pretend she cares. as everyone else prepares to return to school i feel even more alone than i have all summer, but i can't see how it matters, either way everyone stopped being my friend months ago. in the last 24 hours the most extreme blow to my mental state has been the discovery that a supposed friend isn't even remotely who i thought they were, and i'm not talking personality traits even, i'm talking factually. maybe its my fault for pulling up a myspace page, i've grown angry with the internet as a result, angry with myself and my lack of sensible judgement. i can only think that i make mistakes and then learn from them, or as a good friend once said "make milkshakes, then learn from them." but thats a joke you won't understand most likely. i try so hard to just put everything out of my head and live my life, one minute at a time, but i can't, its always there, looming, the mess i've made, the one i'm rotting in. the phillies are still on the west coast, and i'm going to the game next friday on a bus trip with the baatz family in place of my dad. i'll be spending next week visiting my dad at the hospital, and spending time alone in this house, in which i hope my stepmother will be asleep or working, and that i will not have to have any extended conversations with her. the only thing i am considering is that she'll be more cold and heartless to me when my father is not around and we aren't in his presence. i have to hope for the best and expect the worst. also, if i hear one more word about terrel owens and his bullshit with the eagles, i may kill someone. well it think that about covers whats been going on, for the most part outside of my head. the inside of my head is still a toss up for the most part.