its all leading toward something.

supposedly. but i'll procrastinate until monday to do my paper that's due wednesday. i'll dive into another one of these ridiculously engrossing fables comics. i'll keep breathing until i can call the psychiatrist back on monday to hopefully make an appointment. i'll go on believing that this is called growing up and i'm doing it, and that it'll be okay. but in coop this morning. getting lost on blue church because i wanted to drive the wrong way past all those houses where the kids i used to know used to live. lost on the way to bring my grandmother flowers. nearly seven years and for the first time i went to the cemetery of my own accord. i told her about the suit i wore to my observation on tuesday and how i wish she were here to hit her third son up side the head for mistreating one of his daughters. i know she played favorites but if she knew i know she wouldn't let that go on. lost. i get an A on a test i thought i bombed and i think maybe i can actually do this. maybe i won't fail this time. but most of the time i can't believe it. there are other things i can't believe, and he doesn't read this so i almost feel free to share. and maybe i am finally ready to get better, i made the phone calls, asked sterner for a recommendation, which was a completely huge social phobia i had to deal with in itself. and maybe its all because i don't want to lose him, because even if i have to wait forever ((which it feels like its been already)) i think i'll still believe that he's the one. everyone already calls me crazy, so its not like reputation is really at risk here. get better or i'm gone. that's basically the ultimatum. and frankly i don't believe in ultimatums, i think my eighth grade algebra teacher told me they were never a good idea and it just kind of took. but i suppose its a positive request, even if it feels unsupportive and cold. i guess i never realize how dramatic i'm being for little reason, i never realize how tiring it must be to listen to me cry all the time. i can't agree with him completely though, i still think there has to be a better way than ultimatums. my room smells like lilacs, my grandmother again. the more i think about this growing up business, the more i miss her. sigh. here i go again crying for no reason. i'm just going to try to breath, and talk to myself because he won't answer the phone, its nominally ridiculous, there are other people i could talk to, at this point i just don't want to. we're going to the movies on sunday. one of my goals for the week was to make a new friend or to spend time with one i already had. so i already did that at the diner the other night, but reviving the totally violent movie on easter tradition passes as well. plus this cool kid at school ((cool beard dude who's name i'm not sure of)) was telling me he got to go to a kevin smith q&a in redbank. how cool is that? yeah pretty friggin cool. even though he's a mets fan.

sigh. another friday night alone.

hidden

theres something to be said for spending three days alone in a room. too sick to do much of anything beside watch seasons of law and order and the l word on dvd and bit torrent movies and music with only a slowly shrinking box of puffs to keep company with. yesterday i dropped my phone behind the head board and spent half an hour manuevering it out, after which i was so exhausted i passed out for about three hours. i'm feeling slightly better, though i've passed the sickness to my dad and i feel horrible about that. i'm still coughing and have mostly no appetite, like i get really hungry, then go fix myself some food and take two bites and don't want to even look at food anymore. i haven't been out of the house since the ER and walgreens field trip wednesday night. but i'm running out of gatorade and tissues, so i might have to actually leave. unless i can get louie to go pick me up some supplies. anyway. i found a scrap of paper under the bed yesterday when i was trying to get my phone out. no date, and i no longer recall when i wrote it. its some how suicidally beautiful....

My last wish is that you use your lives. Don't waste them here. Get out. See the world. Change it. Love yourself. Love others. Learn everything you can. Please don't remember the way it all ended, just remember all the good we shared. There is a moment somewhere, years ago when I realized this world isn't like the movies, and there are no happy endings only momentary bursts of elation and miles and miles of pain and heart ache and mountains of regret, gallons of tears and oceans of blood to be shed. Shed then collected and recycled and fucking divided out into pitchers full of suffering.

well fuck it all.

basically fuck all that nice stuff I said in my last post about mayelyn. you'd think i'd learn by now the people i end up thinking are my best friends, the people i end up treating like family always end up fucking me over in the end. seriously didn't i just go through some shit like this with some other supposed friends back in april? any way in case you read my blog and don't read myspace bulletins or haven't talked to me in a few days, i got kicked out on friday and am now officially back at my dads. i'm renting a uhaul van on friday to move the stuff that won't fit in louie's car, and i'm going to call around tomorrow to see about a storage unit, just because i don't know where the hell i'm going to put any of that stuff anyway, since there's no real room here. i don't feel like getting in to it, if you want to know i'll tell you but i'm sort of sick of talking about it. i'm totally sick of thinking about it. in other news i've got the wireless set up here finally (ok i know that three days without a constant internet connection doesn't seem like much, but its like crack to me so i've kind of been dying), now all i need to figure out is cable when i get my tv back over here because i'm already going through good eats withdrawl. i watched knocked up and thought it was great, watched most of bender's big score last night, and have superbad sitting here waiting to be viewed. kyp is getting a lot of use, basically making up for the last 7 months or so that i barely used him at all.
i guess all i can say is that life goes on, people make decisions, they cut your heart out and enjoy watching you bleed, you live and learn and try fucking hard not to make the same mistakes again. i know, do or do not there is no try. i'm gonna watch office space til abey gets home, and try to go to sleep at a half way decent hour. peace bitches.

2007

i'm not in the mood for a year end wrap up survey full of stupid questions about how i think this year went and how next year is going to go. i really can't even believe 2007 will be over in merely hours. last year i was reading a dirty job and trying to finish it before midnight, the year before i was at amanda nicole's with stephen, and before that at the qfr with scotty ross eating waffles with ice cream. i've never thought it was a big deal, new years resolutions and all of that, this year i have goals for 2008, but i won't be making any ridiculous resolutions. its strange, laying here, i'm not worried about all the things i usually am, i'm content. this year wasn't the easiest, money has been tight a consequence of trying to make it half way on my own. i owe a lot to mayelyn, even if we don't always get along and things get tough, she's really been an important part of my life this year, and hopefully will be for years to come. i've found out a lot about myself this year, through my relationships, through the friends i've made, gotten closer to, lost touch with or stopped talking to all together. I spent less time in new york than i would've liked to, but the time i did was mostly awesome. i saw some great concerts, bandcamp of course and permenant me 3 or 4 times, stroke 9 topped them all most definitely maybe one of the best shows i've ever been to. i smoked too much and had some crazy drunken nights, spent 80% of my life on the phone. i beat a harvest moon game for the first time ever, (rune factory) got on and off addicted to animal crossing. didn't go to the movies nearly as much as i would've liked to. the phillies made the playoffs, even if they did get swept in the first round, they still beat out the mets for the division. i met abe. and the past seven months, though the whole long distance deal is not ideal, and most of the time is complete torture, i can't see my life without him in it, my mom doesn't get how i can spend entire days and entire nights on the phone, but time passes like nothing and he makes me so happy. i can't say for sure what the future holds, i've never been good at thinking things are going to turn out alright, but sometimes i catch myself in one of those moments, where i'm completely happy, like in reality bites when wynona ryder and ben stiller have that conversation about big gulps and astronomy and fleeting moments of happieness in life. sometimes they're hard to see through all the tears, because i'm forever the emo kid. i remember my mom saying when i was in high school that hopefully i'd grow out of all my moodiness and depression, like things would just snap in to place somehow. that didn't happen, and i'm still not well adjusted or even always functional, but there have been more good days than bad this year i think. ok enough with the rambling before the laptop crashes and i loose all of this.
to all of you, to the loved and the lost and everyone stuck in the middle tryin to get through, here's to 08 being at least a little bit better, with a bunch more inside jokes and mst style commentary, maybe a few less cigarettes, and something tangible to make all of this waiting worth something....

ok seriously...

another bring it on movie??
the sad thing is that i watched the third one a while back (like at mayelyns, before mayelyn's was just down the stairs) and i actually sort of enjoyed it. i don't even remember why. but seriously a fourth movie is overkill. theres next to nothing on tv. i love the 90s part deux, the third harry potter movie...and friends. yeah not much of a selection there. considering watching a movie but i'm not sure what to watch. and i can't stand watching movies alone anymore, because abey and i watch them together...growl. so the weather sucked and my school appointment had to be rescheduled for next week, and i have to work, but they're going to have to let me leave and come back because it was the only appointment she had. ok i didn't really have a lot to say on here. just that i'm terrific bored, and i didn't realize that the movies set up ron and hermione hooking up way earlier than she ever did in the books. oh whatever. and i sort of want to ride a hippogrif. yeah def. so so so soooooo bored.


oh those new six songs from the matchbox best of thingy, i downloaded them today after i saw the how far we've come video (which blatantly endorses hilary!!!) and they are kinda poppy but still good, like you can tell rob still has that disease and isn't quite as dark as he used to be. "these hard times" is my fave song. omg i'm so sick of christmas already and it hasn't even happened yet. and i hate the grinch live action movie. just for the record. oooo torture on the history channel.
ok have a good night. i have to work tomorrow which will most likely suck suckity suck suck, because its all like four hosts all the time now and the count is wicked high. yeah you have no clue what that means. cept kayla. thanks kays.

i believe the world is coming to an end.

musings, attempt at poetry, favorite songs, overtime.

so i started feeling poetic this morning. at work, probably because i was kind of blazed, and things strike me differently. its just a few lines and its pretty rough, but seriously i haven't written any poetry in a while so its not going to be emily dickenson or anything.

Nothing like the scent of death
over breakfast
Bating breath
with the stench of decaying flesh
looming around the corner...

ok i told you it wasn't amazing. but whatever. ok next. sadly enough having cable allows me to flip through vh1, cmt and mtv in the morning before work (unless hip hop harry is on of course) and i end up liking some top 40ish song i would usually not like to associate myself with. but whatever, i like what i like, who cares what anyone else thinks. in the past few days (ok some of these are a few weeks but i've just now put them on a play list together...) these are some tracks that have made it to my ipod, that you may or may not want to check out.

Bubbly- Colbie Caillat
Letter to me- Brad Paisely
Dear Mr. President- Pink
Kiss Kiss- Chris Brown Featuring T Pain
Hate How Much I love you- Rhianna Featuring NeYo
Our Song- Taylor Swift ((ok i've liked this song forever because i have her album, but i just saw the video this morning and its so sparkly it made me happy)).


so yeah, totally weird range of music there, but whatever (did you notice none of that is certifiably emo?). so i have my schedule for the next two weeks of work, and next week is pretty normal, i close this weekend and host three days, but then the week after that i've got some overtime happening which is wicked cool for the money, but its going to be a little crazy. plus the check that has that overtime also has christmas holiday which is cool. by january i'll be tired, but i'll probably have enough money for a new tattoo and christmas presents for everyone else as well. (new tat is my present to me probably...) not that i know exactly what i want, or even where i wanna go get it anymore but whatever. i'm gonna try to get some shopping done with this check, perhaps monday when i have off, except i really have no idea what i'm getting anyone but abe, because he's easy and obvious, and probably doesn't want me to get him anything at all.

and i want to go see matt play out on the island but i don't think its going to happen. cuz i have to work that day. and because i would like have to walk 2 miles from the train station to the venue and that might not be good.

ok i think thats it for now. have a fantastic friday night. i'll be here alone, as usual. new chowder at least. radda.

inside my room. (i'd rather write about it than clean it)

its odd for me to think about the impression someone would have walking into my room. well right now they'd just think i was a slob for the most part (though you can see more of the floor at the moment than i've seen in a few weeks) but in preparation for inevitable visitors with the coming holiday season (ok visitors besides louie, anyone i've known more than half my life gets to see my room as is whenever, cept maybe my mom) i'm starting a campaign tomorrow to keep the place relatively tidy. (i know you're thinking that won't happen...but it sounds like a good idea, and i'm going to try.) i'm not sure what's up with all the parenthetical asides, i'm kind of in a mood. anyway, my room in a state of somewhat tidiness is still going to impart some sort of impression about me as a person, and its kind of strange to look at myself from an outside perspective. so here we go...well my outer room is computer and rupert mitchell, a fucking awesome phoenix poster, but kinda empty and undemonstrative, (bandcamp wallpaper on the computer kind of says something, but i'm going to assume most of the people walking probably still suck and don't listen to bandcamp.) ok so walking into my room to your left is the music wall, to the right is my tv/dvd collection spread about and my bookcase. straight ahead is the army cot of the future covered in pillows, the nfl blanket i refuse to sleep without, nemo blankets and missmatched pillow cases...the only theme of my linens is me, i'm too scattered for anything to match. my bedside table has the box to catch and release, jones soda cans and a kisses from new york mug, my desk lamp from college that cat aptly named the spot light. theres a white lawn chair to the other side of the table, it was here when i moved in, and its one of the few pieces of furniture i have. on that wall are the album covers to tommy, the boston album with amanda on it, tom petty and piano man. a johnny cash poster that was once an endcap at best buy, and the doors poster louie got me a few years ago for christmas. opposite jim morrison on the other wall, is chase, even though the picture on the poster isn't my favorite, it wouldn't be my room without chase. next to him is another endcap special, field of dreams two disc anniversary edition...(empty space that absolutely wants for a star wars poster of some sort...i used to have a rotj poster at my dads but it ripped i think) and then my silent bob's speech from chasing amy poster that i got in redbank. so. music. starwars. kevin smith. baseball. the elements echo if you were to go look through my books and dvds. my dvds in precarious stacks around my tv, in no order whatsoever, except that at least one copy of each star wars movie is stacked in front for easy acess and some early season law and order is never far behind. in my bookcase are about a third of all of my books (the rest are in a box under my computer monitor or still in the bookcase at my dads) and some more dvds, the last few years worth of marble comp notebooks, some star wars comics, a pair of handcuffs from jillians on the island, a couple sharpies and a bottle of nail polish. on top are my christmas penguin and one of the candles rosemary gave me for my birthday (gosh i miss that girl). katy no pockets and the new esstential chronology of star wars. so if anything its clear that i'm a total geek. and i'm totally okay with that. i'll pretend away those hidden issues of vogue, but not so much the sephora makeup and ralph lauren perfume, just don't tell anyone i'm that girly, or that i have champagne taste when it comes to being so...those michael kors boots i want btw....on sale for $140 and i'd probably do anything you want with in reason if you bought them for me. anyway. wishful thinking i know. ok i think i'm done rambling about my room for now i've lost most of my interest. last installment of tinman on at 9. til then whatever.
oh and i'm gonna take my trash down. booyah.