medium iced, cream and sugar.

today i walked to the doh doh shop on mac & jordan. i got an iced coffee, one glazed and one sugared. i sat there listening to the wall and trying to figure out what's wrong with me. i'm half in mourning of him and half in mourning of my life, and what i've let it disintigrate into over the past two years. certain events in my house are making me sick to my stomach. as far as i'm concerned stephen can't find an apartment fast enough right now. but then i sit here wondering if its really what he wants, becasue i know its going to cause major ripples in his family, and if i wasn't such a mess i wonder if he'd even been willing. hopefully just more paranoia on my part, but who knows. my family is having a party for my uncle who's retiring. on saturday, or sunday, my aunt called and now i'm confused about what day it is because i can never hear people right on the phone anymore. either way if i'm going anywhere i'd really rather go to lisa's in newtown with stephen to help watch the kids. even if matthew is going to be there. i don't know if it'll help at all right now. he's calmed me down in the past, granted, but the other kids will be around so he'll be playing with them, and i'll be stuck answering more uncomfortable questions about why i didn't go back to school. at least if i go with stephen i know that i can hang out with bernadette, who happens to be the coolest, dysfunctional six year old i know. last year it was the 30th that was harder than the 1st, but last year i didn't have as much free time to dwell on everything, because i had friends, school, and proper distraction, i sunk myself into depression a lot easier this year. i'm replaying everything in my head too much, every time i close my eyes, that and that play i read is still haunting me like whoa, and the other shit, that only stephen knows about because i don't trust anyone else enough. and the phillies in the damn wild card race. i mean fuck. like i need my emotions toyed with anymore this week. i painted more nail polish on the back of my phone today. i have no life. i guess that about covers it.

what i really meant to say...

i want to write about what an amazing time we had today at the celtic classic, how we got these welsh cookies that are like thin tea biscuits and are amazing, i want to pretend i'm not bawling and that my head is clear and that i am fine.
i can't.
i just finished reading "All We Can Handle" by Andrew Dainoff, which Scotty gave to me, after much prodding and trying to get me to buy it myself. I can't tell you about it. You need to read it yourself. If you've ever loved someone and then they've been taken away from you, it will hit you harder. If you've every lived in Manhattan, or loved Manhattan, or thought you might be gay, it will hit you harder. If you haven't thought or experienced any of these things, it will still hit you.
I keep going over it in my head. Two years. How? I just don't understand. They want me to go to my uncle's retirement party next saturday. Everyone has forgotten. Everyone except for me. I still don't have full metal jacket. I still haven't even seen the whole movie. The wild card race is tearing me apart. forever, or until the phillies win the series. its just repeating in my head. its been two years and i haven't figured out how to live again. i pretend. i laugh. i obsess. i run. i don't live.
i don't remember how.

"what i really meant to say, is i'm dyin here inside and i miss you more each day there's not a night i haven't cried..."

she never knows

my mother has this tendency to say things, and in this case i'm sure she didn't even realize what she said, didn't know the nerve it would hit, and if she had at one point known i'm sure she forgot, because why wouldn't she, everyone else has...
ok so what she said, we were talking about the fact that i had tiny gauges in my ears, and asking me if i had any other tattoos or piercings at this point that she didn't know about, and at that point she said that she was sure stephen wasn't paying for a tattoo, wasn't tattooing "property of..." on me. of course he wasn't, stephen is a republican's republican, he doesn't even approve of tattoos, all the more reason i will be getting one as soon as i have ID and a job (but that's beside the point), anyway when she said that there was one thing that hit me, and basically its the time of the year, its all on my mind anyway, so i went digging through my xanga archive until i found this...

Monday, September 01, 2003

Tomorrow is my birthday!!! Tomorrow is my birthday...la la la la la....okay I'll stop now. It is also the first day of my senior year...woo hoo! Andy is supposed to pick me up and take me in, but I haven't really talked to him since Saturday night so I don't know if that'll actually happen. Yeah, Saturday night we went to the fair, with his friends John and Megan and their kids...it was really fun! And you wanna hear something ober teen movie romantic...he kissed me at the top of the ferris wheel! I know cheesy...but adorable just the same. He met my mom now too...which went well, he also gave me an ober lecture on the way home from the fair about looking at things positively instead of negatively...whenever I get depressed or upset I'm supposed to think of atleast five things that are going good at the moment...no matter how little they are...he is soo sweet, I'm so lucky...we're so lucky we found eachother. Btw...I know we aren't bringing the "L" word into this yet, way too soon for that but he made some joke the other night about tatooing "Property of (Insert his full name here)" across my chest...what more of a commitment can I ask for than that...he wants to brand me!! okay well, GH throw back episode is on soapnet so I g2g... Much Love

so yeah...i guess it just triggered thinking of that...i don't know how the next couple weeks are going to be like, you'd think two years would erase this stuff from my memory, i don't know if a million years will.

thats all for now, i'm going to go cry myself into oblivion, have a good night.

in the last four years

I figured that I would jump atop the bandwagon of 9/11 rememberance that I'm sure is happening on blogs across the nation, and I know mine won't be as wonderful as hairshirt but i figured that i would give it a shot anyway. Four years ago I was a sophamore in highschool, sitting in geometery with Mr. Zuk when our principal made the announcement about the attacks. Immediately after the announcement Zuk asks if anyone knows whether or not there would be salad bar at lunch that day, and Evan who's dad is a pilot got called out of the room so that he could make phone calls home. Next period was drivers ed, where Vic and I sat and watched the coverage and bonded for the first time. I think we sat in every class and watched the coverage, though I think Donahue told us that we'd have to write about it, but I don't think we ever did. I didn't live in New York, and didn't know anyone who worked in the trade towers, the closest anyone I know was to it was my cousin Betsy and her now ex husband who were stuck at JFK while awaiting the flight for their honeymoon. I remember Whit and I sitting in my bedroom the night before having the most ridiculous conversation about where everyone would be by the time we graduated, and then her coloring all over a blue floppy disk making it look all patriotic. she always had a bit of espn. So in the last four years, neither of the people I was close to on 9/11 are still my friends, I have lived in New York, if only for 8 whirlwind months. I've loved and lost and lived to love again, I haven't become anymore conservative, or anymore patriotic, I appreciate my freedom but I've stopped buying into the "American Dream." I'm without a shred of any of the innocense I had four years ago, and unfortunately I can't say that 9/11 had much to do with that. So I've relived my little story, it pales in comparrison to everyone elses, who actually has some kind of story to tell.
Now I'd like to take a second and wish my David a Happy 20th Birthday...damn you're getting old dude. <3

Yay Adoption

today i adopted cheese


you should go adopt a friend from fosters too

all the things i've said before

its quite obvious that anything i'm feeling i've already felt, and that anything i'm going to say, i've already said before. its september, and i walk out the door of my mother's onto main street in coopersburg, and its 2 years ago. yes i'm wearing different clothes, listening to death cab instead of dashboard, carrying a fucking vera bradley, i didn't even know who vera bradley was 2 years ago, but in my head i'm walking down a street that hasn't changed, looking at houses that are mostly the same. and i'm freshly 17, wondering what the fuck i'm going to write a college essay about for AP english, and he's my entire world.
what has happened these last 2 years, its been a blur hasn't it? how many friends have i hung onto since then? how many of them have i slept with? i've been over it a billion and a half times, what could've, would've, might've been, if he hadn't, if my life hadn't fallen apart because of it. i probably wouldn't have gone to new york, so i wouldn't be thousands of dollars in debt with no future to speak of, but i wouldn't have met rebecca or mitch, or bec, christine or dan, i certainly wouldn't have made a trillion guy mistakes before meeting stephen. on that note i don't even understand how he can love me, i'm so broken and definitely not deserving of his love. i would've never ended up living with my dad most likely, which i'm sure has its pluses and minuses to speak of. i think i could be a writer, but i don't know what i'd write, all i ever write is this crap that i could never make any money off of. money. ha. i had the fleeting thought yesterday when i was making muffins that i might want to like go to cooking school like i used to when i was little...but i don't think i really want to do that, i don't know what i really want to do, besides rewind. i'm desperate for a rewind button, to go back and do it all again, not even all the way back to him, well...i don't know. i'd give anything for one more day, but i know its impossible, that shit only happens in movies, which is probably why i get lost in them, in movies, in books, in songs, because those are the venuse in which reality can be stretched, pulled and pushed and manipulated...but i don't have any talent to create what might have been...just like i have no talent to salvage my reality. i want to press reset, reboot, start all over, fresh...but theres no such thing as a second chance, not in reality.
"in my head there's a greyhound station and i set my thoughts to far off destinations"

muffinface

stephen's new nickname is muffinface, because he ate muffins when he was here this past weekend (i know i'm nuts), anyway i'm going down to my moms tonight and will be exploring some muffin recipes i've printed out. the link above is to these cute muffin oriented flash movies i found this morning.

besides muffins, i read a random blog today that talked about sugar gliders, and i've decided this is the pet i must have. its adorable, though stephen is worried it will glide across the room and break things, but i told him the i would train it to pick up after itself, even though that's probably not possilbe. look how f-ing adorable this thing is though:

anyway, stephen still thinks that the philippine tarsier is cooler, in case you don't know stephen and i probably would've never started talking if he hadn't had the following picture up on his myspace when he originally sent me a message, because i had to send him a message back to ask him what the hell it was.


that might be about it for now...

it just fucking hurts is all

since stephen left like a little over an hour ago nothing feels right, and then i hear about this, and i can barely hold my breath and not cry. i don't want to talk about it, and i'm trying extremely hard not to think about it, and continue pretending it isn't true. the phils just lost in 13 innings or 12 or something and i'm about to head upstairs and start diving into law and order season 3.
until i get some desire to continue posting, i'll leave you with some death cab lyrics...

What Sarah Said
by Death Cab for Cutie

And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny glance of father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
that I’d already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines
And year old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind
That our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth
I would rather lose
than to have never lain beside at all

Then I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself
Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes round
And everyone lifts their heads
And I’m thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

So who’s going to watch you die?
So who's going to watch you die?
So who's going to watch you die?