uneasy

last night was my dad's birthday, big get together for karoke at rookies. i had a good time for the most part, and i have picture that i'll post at some point of my dad and luis singing. but i'm sitting here on the edge, listening to old tim mcgraw, reading old posts, living in the past like i always am. i think my brain is probably rotting away, but i don't know if i care. i'm increasingly antisocial, and you almost stop caring, when one of the people you've been friends with basically your entire life only IMs with requests that basically break your heart in two, because you've let just another friendship go to a place that you'll never get it back from. its my fault anyway, never should've let it turn out that way, but i have a great way of creating disaster. i'm thinking of seriously deleting everyone on my buddy list that i don't talk to, especially the people i leave messages for who never answer them. just more friendships i've ruined, connections i've torn, bridges in ashes and ashes blown to the wind. falling asleep in tears, i'm stuck in this place i'm not entirely sure how to get out of, but i still haven't figured out how to fall asleep and not wake up at all. my head is cloudy, and i know any sentances i string together aren't worthy of being read, just another bundle of dream i might as well just give up on, dreams don't come true. that whole bullshit pseudo american dream about being able to rise above what you were born into is a joke, i'll never get out of it, i'll always be poor, depressed, and living in the world of what might have been if i hadn't fucked it all up. i've never been able to have a plan for the future, or even imagine what it would be, live in the past, stumble through the present, wondering what might happen. the future i sometimes think about is most likely impossible, because it involves some semblance of normalcy, which i probably won't ever reach. i want to write, i've always wanted to, but the encouraging presence of anyone i used to have is gone, and there's no way i can do it on my own, i'd never get past a few pages, even if i could i don't know if i have the attention span for anything. god, i accidentally washed my hands with skin-so-soft by avon, instead of the other soap, and now everytime i bring my hands anywhere close to my face i smell it, and i hate that smell, its awful, my grandmother used to rub it all over me when i was little, to keep the bugs away or something, all i know is i can't stand the smell, its almost making me physically ill. ok, i think the rambling is over now...not that anyone is reading this anyway.

the n addiction

i'm spending a whole lot of my time on the n website...imagine what could be happening if i actually did something productive with my time

forcing flashbacks on myself

the first flashback i had in the last few days was totally random, scary, and painful. now i'm just forcing them to make myself cry.
on saturday stephen and i went to dorney, and we're walking down a hill towards the "music machine" or atleast i think that's what it's called, that thing that whips you around really fast and plays music. when i saw it i started to lose my breath, and i was there. i was at the allentown fair two years ago, with meg and john and morgan and andy and the baby (who's name i can't remember...maybe zachary?), andy didn't go on the ride, he sat on a bench with the baby, and morgan's balloon tied around his neck, he looked ridiculous. i was on the ride with meg, and john with morgan, i really love that ride, even though rides at the fair in general sort of freak me out, because they just put them together right there off of a truck temporarily and they're all rickety and stufff. the thing is it should be a happy memory, it was a great night, probably one of the best, but every memory with andy is tainted, every single one makes me shudder now.
now i'm on someones myspace reading really old blog entries, purposely forcing thoughts in my head, all these feelings of abandonment are connected, there's no one who hasn't left me, only those who haven't yet. besides luis, stephen, big scott, and my dad no one has talked to me in weeks, and i don't think theres anyone not on that list that actually reads this anyway. i've dropped off the face of the earth as far as everyone's concerned, and when everyone goes back to school in a month and i don't, it will be even worse. my stepmother sent and email to my father and i this morning saying that she enjoyed our dinner together last night, what a load of shit, she thinks that she can say the things she said, and then just pretend she never said them, i'm sorry, i don't forgive or forget that easily, there's no way. my stepmother left ten dollars on the table to buy ice cream, implying i'm sure that she ate an entire half gallon of it, if she doesn't care that she's diabetic, then fuck, i don't really either. i wish i could get out of here, but even the chance of me doing so is probably slim, i don't want to get my hopes up when inevitable disappointment awaits me.

Hello

Hi, my name is

and here is some stuff about me...

my favorite color is RED

my favorite car is an

my favorite sport is

my favorite team is the

philadelphia

i love

i have a lot of favorite movies...
so the last movie i watched was

i also have many favorite bands/musicians, currently my itunes are playing

i just finished

and am about 400 pages away from finishing

my favorite place in the world (ok well i haven't really travelled the world yet but...) is

lately i've been watching a lot of

one of my favorite shows on foodnetwork is

i have a serious craving for

i think that might be about it for now...

what was that, you want one more picture?

ok, here you go

no jedi...too cool

how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen

Nok Hockey

at the moment we're sitting in the basement at stephen's, he and his nephew andrew are playing this game called nok hockey, and it seems fun if not the least bit violent.

friday was the wedding, it was lovely, and i met a bunch of people who's names i do not remember. that night we stayed at the hotel where the reception was, the in at fox hollow. it was pretty. i'm so very descriptive aren't i? ha. yesterday was the post wedding family get together here, which i missed a large portion of because i had an anxiety attack and ended up laying upstairs through most of it. we helped clean up, and played with the kids. we watched harold and kumar go to white castle, which was a really good movie, and today we're going to white castle for lunch. i'm not sure what time i'm going home but stephen has to go to a wake tonight. i'm tired...and i need to take a shower or something like that.
quote of the day:
three year old andrew: "when i was a little kid..."

Bobby Abreu is the man

After breaking the records for total homeruns in a derby, and total in a single round, Bobby Abreu won in his first appearance in a homerun derby. 41 homeruns in one night...wow. 24 in the first round. completely awesome.

Otherwise, I haven't posted in a few days, I had a great weekend in LI, got a terrible sunburn, and i'm in agony now, but at the time it was great. Two days at the beach, the best homemade sauce I've probably ever had, and well I have an awesome boyfriend. I whined half the time about my ankle, which i rolled walking in Union Square on Saturday morning, but it's feeling better today. Most likely because i haven't really walked or done a hell of a lot all day. This is a very ADD skip around a lot type of post, I'm going back to LI on Thursday, the wedding is on Friday, and I'm acutally not dreading it as much as I was before. I think i'm going down to my mom's tomorrow, to do laundry, borrow shoes...try to rangle the digital camera if i can. I also really need to dye my hair. yeah...good times. ok well i think that's about it for now...i know that post sucked, but all of a sudden i'm crashing from the excitement of the derby.

its kind of upsetting when the people you thought were your best friends turn out to be even bigger jerks than the people you don't like...

lonerly

i sit in front of this damn computer for so many hours a day. when i'm not i'm in front of a tv, or a book. i read everyone's away messages, people i used be friends with, or i guess people i thought i was. i feel left out, but i'm sure its not intentional, everyone just forgot that i exist. so i'm alone here until after 11pm. my parents are both working, i ate a hotdog and it kind of made me feel sick. i don't really know why i'm posting, i don't have anything of quality to say. i'm watching New York Minute again, thinking of the weekend. terrorist attacks on London this morning are sure to make the weekend in every other major city interesting. i'm going into the city early saturday, walk around, hang out with jude. then head out to stephen. tomorrow i'm cleaning luis's bathroom, and i think there's wrestling at sports fest. woo. man i feel disgusting...

my blog code

i'm getting sort of blog happy again...might try to teach myself html again like i attempted last summer...we'll see

My blogger code: B8 d- t- k+ s+ u-- f+ i+ o++ x++ e++ l c (decode it!)

jesse journal...for real

i was paging through the pics on the newly launched brand new site, and i found this, which i thought was amazing...because half my notebooks are covered with pictures of jesse, or his lyrics in silver sharpie.



i still <3 jesse lacey

story

i want to write a story. a story about a girl who is stuck in a place and doesn't know how to get out, trapped under a million feelings she wishes she didn't feel. this girl prays for apathy. she feels and feels and hurts and hurts until theres nothing left to feel, the intensity is gone. she can't feel pleasure or pain, its like "comfortably numb" by pink floyd, but not so comfortable, not at all. she's afraid of that which is going to happen, too afraid to ask for help, or tell more than people she already knows can't really help. i want to write a story, but i've lost any confidence in any talent that a few people once said i possessed. i have no contact with those who believed in me, then again i don't think i ever really believed them, except maybe paulie paul, when he told me i rocked in front of everyone else in the class, but it doesn't matter anymore, i can't write anything without passion, and i don't think i have that about anything at all. my mother thinks i'm regressing, because i laid on her couch for a week watching cartoons with my teddy bear. it felt almost safe. there's a lot of bitterness i have towards that apartment, the place i grew up, and i make a lot of awful stabbing remarks to my mother every chance i get, i know its wrong, but i do it anyway, because i'm still hurt. i'm spysweeping my computer, because i found the software, i'm still looking for my flashdrive, which i can't seem to find. i haven't seen it since may, i have no idea where it could be at this point, except that i'm pretty sure the dog could not have digested it. my phone will be shut off by the end of the night, i got a text message last night telling me that, i hate how they send those at 4am, it always wakes me up. the fact that i don't really care that its getting shut off is sad, i didn't even ask my dad for the money this time, i know i don't deserve it. what do i need a cell phone for anyway, except maybe to talk to erik, but i can use my dads phone to call him, if i ever feel like talking to anyone again. i'm getting closer to halfway through atlas shrugged, i spent all morning reading after i saw on sandy deering's away message that she was 800 pages away from finishing it, it made me feel good that i was farther than that. of course harry potter will come out before i actually finish, so i'll put it on hold while i devour that for the three days or so that it will take me. i'm at this low where i've leveled out, and i really don't feel like crying, at least not at this second, i'm sure it will come again at some point, i just wish i'd run out of tears already. i think this is the longest post i've made in a long time, perhaps the longest i've made since i moved here from xanga, maybe i'll start posting more. i wrote a lot of the real deep down stuff in my note book last night, after my stepmother decided to kick me when i was down and drop my self esteem level farther below sea level than it already was. i don't really care about what she says, i know whatever she says to me is just projecting her own issues onto me, it affected me at that moment, but now that i look back, i really don't give a damn what she says to try and hurt me, i have enough hurt already that i can completely disregard hers. anyway, i think i'm done for the moment with my crap.